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Loser April 19, 2007

Listen: Kurt Vonnegut, the greatest philosopher in all of American history, might have had some important things to say about this week’s current events, had he stuck around on earth for another handful of days. We’re thinking that he might have laid the entire Virginia Tech tragedy out in simple, truthful, and re-assuring terms: Cho Seung-Hui was a failed human machine, with crossed wires and fried circuitry, who was living a misfortunate and lonely life on a planet where it was just as easy to go pick up a Glock 9 mm as it was to buy an apple scented candle…

He might have been able to address the situation in a meaningful way that would have allowed us to understand the situation while engendering exactly the right amount of sympathy for it’s originator.

Tiny Little Grundle-WartWe, on the other hand, are bored to tears with the attempts to sympathize and explain. To us, it’s this simple: Cho Seung-Hui was a fucking loser. A douchebag. A repressed cock gobbler not worthy of breathing the same air as his classmates at Virginia Tech. Yet all week, we’ve seen countless psychiatric experts drone on and on about Cho’s obsession with violence, narcissistic tendencies, limitless anger, and bottomless pain, as if this offers some sort of window into a tortured soul who deserves our compassion and understanding.

Listen: part of being human is being angry, obsessed with violence, and in love with yourself. Otherwise, why would Fox News, CSI: Miami, and Myspace.com be so grotesquely popular? The human condition is all about pain, and life can really suck at times for just about all of us, even the people who look like they’re having the most fun. However, only a grundle-wart like Cho decides the answer to his own misery is to pile more of it on everyone else.

At this point, we’re so over hearing pro-Cho rationalizations from made-for-TV doctors. We’re over reading his crappy little plays; we’ve had it with his pre-pubescent monotone voice droning away over the TV. As far as we’re concerned, there seems to be absolutely no comfort or value in offering the tiny bastard any sort of understanding. (Aside: were it that the dude was still alive and not yet a mass murdering asswipe, it’s a different story entirely. But, as it stands, the little bitch left the party early and called the cops on his way out. Therefore he deserves to spend eternity being mocked relentlessly.)

It sucks, but the reality is, a handful of human piece of shit psychopaths are born every year, and unfortunately, raising a sociopath is not yet a crime in most countries. So for the time being, we get to share the planet with them, just like we get to share it with the AIDS virus, cancer cells, sharks, and Dick Cheney.

If there’s a deeper meaning here, it’s certainly this:

Get out and snowboard while you still can. After all, we are human only to the extent that we’re still out riding.

Comment below, because you sure as shit can’t say what you’re really thinking on anyone else’s site.

Recruiting Our Next Generation of Violent Drug Warriors October 26, 2006

Best.Paramilitary.Force.EverWashingtonpost.com is running an article on the front page of the site today regarding school programs in the area designed to promote “Red Ribbon Week”, a DEA sponsored drug awareness campaign. Featured in this article is Marshall Middle School in Fauquier County, VA, where the school’s genius principal, Christine Moschetti, encouraged her students and staff to wear camouflage and other paramilitary gear in support of the campaign.

How fucking appropriate. It’s a great show of support for the rise in paramilitary tactics; the advent of violent soldiering tactics that are now used to serve warrants and enforce even the most minor of drug infractions. Radley Balko at the Cato Institute has been doing some terrific research in this area. His work documents how this ridiculous and scary trend has led us to a place where innocent people in the US are being killed, terrorized and having their homes invaded by paramilitary forces because the Feds and a bunch of dipshit police commissioners in a small crappy communities like Fauquier think SWAT teams and AK-47s are the new black.

So, way to fucking go, Marshall Middle School, what a great cause to support. Hopefully, your kids have gone right to work, bashing the heads in of your small but growing stoner population. Did you let ‘em bring their guns into school too? While you’re at it, make sure they smack around a few Goth kids and stomp some Homos directly on the balls. It’s super important that these deviants learn at an early age. In no time, you’ll be on your way to being angry, wife-abusing, alcoholic DEA agents. Woohoo!

The truly cosmic irony here is that many of the kids who are eagerly rocking the camo gear in WaPo’s photos are going to be the unfortunate souls on the receiving end of the DEA’s gestapo style drug enforcement policies in just a few years. Well, not all of them, some of those chicks are already too fat to get invited to any parties where they might get offered that first gateway joint.

Yeah, that was kind of fucked, but deal with it. Maybe Marshall middle school needs to address their cheeseburger problem before tackling their next drug awareness campaign. What do you think? Hit us up below or send in your hate mail to [email protected].

DC Area Rangers…..this just in….. October 13, 2006

MonumentHey players…..in case you are not going to some sort of fake wedding Saturday 10/13, Monument is having a bash with some give aways. I hope our boys in Vermont catch on to this sweet trend (hint hint). The details are below:

Hey everyone…
Just to let you all know… we are giving away three boards during the premiere. It’s not posted on any of the online flyers, or stressed in any of my messages to everyone. No raffle tickets this year. I am going to post three envelopes around the bar that will contain a piece of paper stating that you are one of the lucky three. The winners will pick their board from the samples of boards that we have. Something different that we have not done before.

So I’ve been telling people to get there at 8ish to hang out, and obviously the earlier you get there, the more of a chance you’ll get to win a board. and not look as funny as you are looking through every nook and cranny of the bar for the envelopes.

This will be my last message in regards to the party, I know I’ve sent alot, so hopefully you can pass this along to your friends. Premiere will play at 9 and encore at 10, so come check out Gel Music and Official perform as well, as they are both in the video.

no cover. just come in, get a beer, and come towards the back to hang out with us.


The spot: sketchy Dr. Dremos in trendy Arlington VA. A DC area Ranger will be there to check it out and report back.

Vintage Blogosphere: Wonkette and the Washingtonienne September 1, 2006

Wonkette and the WashingtonienneThe Wonkette-Washingtonienne Capital Hill sex scandal from 2004 is so totally over, it’s not even funny. But we’re thinking there might be a few more miles left in this dead horse, perhaps an even more scandalous facet that remains undiscovered.

Ana Marie Cox could possibly have been the most entertaining blogger on the planet. Sadly though, the original Wonkette, renowned for sly humor and ass-fucking jokes, left the blogosphere for a much more legitimate gig as the Washington Bureau editor for Time magazine. Since having no soul or integrity are essential characteristics of great writers, we can hardly be mad about the move, we’re just more sad than anything else. Reading Ana in Time is like hanging out playing Parcheesi with an old frat buddy who is now sober with children. It sucks.

This is how we found ourselves digging through archival Wonkette entries from Cox’s piece de resistance: outing Jessica “Washingtonienne” Cutler.


Careers, Marriage, and Douchebags August 23, 2006

DouchebagForbes.com recently posted a completely asinine commentary by a douchebag named Michael Noer about how it’s a bad idea to marry a career woman.

Noer’s point was this: according to social scientists, career women (women working more than 35 hours a week and making more than $30,000) suck at marriage. In his own words, “recent studies have found professional women are more likely to get divorced, more likely to cheat, less likely to have children, and, if they do have kids, they are more likely to be unhappy about it.” Noer’s genius viewpoint in its entirety is here. (Update: Forbes, sensing Noer’s douchebagginess, has reformatted the original article to read as a point-counterpoint. But really, they printed the thing as a stand-alone two days ago.)


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