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Baggin’ Balls Bigtime August 10, 2006

Long gone are the days of chugging shoulder tapped Boone’s Farm Wine and huffing Glade while the DT (Designated Thinker to you) wheeled the golf cart around the clubhouse pool at 3:00 AM. These days we Rangers have all moved on to more mature and socailly acceptable habits of sharing joints and mohitos as we gather round the sushi boat on the lanai of our suburban split ranches. Although we aren’t parents yet, we always look forward to feilding the call from the fuzz at 2:00 AM “Mr. Funk, we need you to come pick up your daughter from the station house. We caught her upper decking Mrs. SoandSo’s master bathroom toilet.” Yes, very soon, we’ll be teaching the next generation of gonzos the meticulous technique required to perform the daring “”drydock” without getting caught.

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Save Snowboard Magazine July 24, 2006

Snowboard MagWhen we were 13 year old grommet snowboarders making our parents drive us up to the mountain every weekend, we sweated every page of every copy of TWSnow magazine. We loved that shit like fat kids love cake (yeah, we know what you’re thinking- Fuck off, so we were fat too, who cares?) All the full page, full color ads that were nothing but sick pictures with taglines like “If you smoke, please try Burton.” That shit was tight!

Then, we grew up. We actually wanted info about resorts, vertical drop, sweet places to in Europe to ride where the ski areas didn’t slap us into handcuffs for poaching fresh tracks on the “skier’s only” trail. We wanted inside scoop on the latest product and we wanted to read articles on why Matty Ryan is such a fucking punk and how rich Shaun White is now.

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Reporting_Douchebags@DarrenatorCentral.com July 16, 2006

This caught us by total surprise, but it seems that Gonzo Rangers has some enemies in cyberspace.  Someone created a fake yahoo address, reporting_abuse@yahoo.com, and has been spamming other sites that have linked us, demanding that they take their links down.  Boris, who operates the Bier Cafe, was kind enough to forward such an email that he received:

From: Reporting_Abuse@yahoo.com
To: contact@bbchetgerecht.nl
Date: Friday, July 7, 2006, 5:49:50 AM
Subject: Contact Form Results

Reporting Abuse wrote:
Dear Bier Cafe,

There is an ongoing criminal investigation involving, among other things, privacy violations and aggravated harassment.

A website called Gonzo Rangers is involved.

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Focus on Facism, Y’all June 26, 2006

We received a report today from Gfunk, a ranger correspondant who has the incredible tenacity to read Citizen magazineFocus on Family’s monthly publication and excrement recepticale.  James Dobson sucks so much that we would rather spend the month stuck in a giant Mikey Mouse costume, outdoors in 99 degree, 100% humidity Orlando weather, being repeatedly punched in the balls by 10 year olds than have to read the neadertahlic drivel they churn up.  We don’t know how he does it, but here’s Gfunk’s take:

If you want a real eye opener to the agenda of the most dangerous organization in the country, check out Citizen Magazine, the official publication of Focus on the Family.  It’s amazing how many articles these lunatics write about the horrors of cloning and scientific research when they are in the business of making an army of religious clones themselves.  In an attempt to make Zach dela Rocha proud and to know my enemy, I try to suffer through the magazine every time it hits my mailbox (I won’t go into why I get it in the first place).

Recently I came upon a commentary written by an outraged Matt Kauffman, in which he describes the “forces of political correctness” conquering the battlefront of nursery rhymes.  It seems that in Britain, several schools have opted to change the words of the nursery rhyme Baa-Baa Black Sheep to Baa-Baa Rainbow Sheep.  This switch came about in an effort to avoid singling out any one on account of their “race, gender, or anything else.”

Look, people should be able to say whatever they want, fine.  But let’s not bullshit about it.  Matt Kauffman is pissed because he thinks that the term black sheep either doesn’t single out anyone, or isn’t offensive.  Yeah, and the Stars and Bars is all about heritage.  Call me what you want, but I am definitely a touchy feely hippie type that wants people to feel good about themselves, and I think that’s a good thing.  Why not err towards feeling good.  Does the word “black” in this nursery rhyme matter that much to you Matt?

Actually, Mr. Kauffman explains his position as a defense of reality.

A staffer at one of them notes that singing about black and white sheep encourages tots to “look around them” and notice “reality.” 

Notice reality while you can, kids. Some day, if the PC forces have their way, it may not be allowed.

Ah yes, reality.  Got it.  Say Matt, perhaps if you ever find yourself lost in the PC world, you’ll be able to find a talking black sheep to help you find your way back to reality.

Oh snap.  Actually, now that Gfunk mentions it, we remember why Matt Kauffman is so out of touch with reality right now.  It’s because we dosed him with Ketamine recently on a secret ninja mission to the FoF headquarters deep in the heart of Jesusland.  We upperdecked his toilet too, for good measure. 

Got issues?  That’s what our comments are for, or email us at chodeo@gonzorangers.com.

Feds Plan Waco Sequel May 12, 2006

Butt PirateWarren Jeffs is a testament to the power of religion.  By power of religion, we mean the power that can be wielded by one man who is able to convince many others that they know quite a bit about it.  Is there an easier way to deprive other people of their money, children, and free will and have them walk around happy about it?  We’re thinking no.  It kind of makes us want to start our own religion, because hot damn if it doesn’t seem like an easy way to hook up with a private mansion in Vail, another one in Jackson, and a private jet to travel between them.

Regardless, the dude needs to be stopped.  Trading someone a new house for their 13 year old daughter is pretty much not cool because this isn’t feudal Europe and we’ve already gotten past that shit.  What’s worse is, he’s got this entire town of 4,000 people living right near the Rocky mountains and none of them are allowed to ride a snowboard.  That’s total bullshit. 

Apparently the FBI thinks so too, because they recently put the dude on their top 10 most wanted list.  What prompted them to do so now is sort of a puzzle to us.  (Was it HBO’s new show Big Love?)  Jeffs has been doing the same type of shit for years, just like his father Roulon did, as did so many of the other Mormon splinter group “prophets” before them.  Inexplicably, the religion thing makes it super easy to fly under the radar — hole up in some remote mountain town for a few days with a couple of other dudes stockpiling Claritin D and molesting children and the Feds will come down on you quicker than you can say “Joe Smith”.  But do the same thing in the name of religion and it’s like a magic force field of federal invulnerability surrounds you. 

Probably one reason for the hesitation is that the Feds know that in all of their glorious white-shirted incompetence, they are totally going to botch the operation of shutting this guy down.  No one in DC, Utah, or Arizona wants to be responsible for another Waco or Ruby Ridge, but we’d be willing to wager next year’s Rossi Premier Works that that’s how it’s going down.  Shit, we’re talking about hordes of men and women who are willing to sell their daughters into slavery; they won’t bat an eye at being asked to attack a bunch of wussy invading ATF agents.    

Too bad we’re not in charge, because the solution to this whole problem is rather obvious.  In Under the Banner of Heaven (which incidentally is Travis Rice’s favorite book, according the Internet), Jon Krakauer lays out the masterful way that Jeffs and the FDLS church have been able to game federal and state governments into handing over gobs and gobs of cash in the form of welfare, grants and pork barrel spending. 

Dunzo CityWith rampant incest, half of the male population in exile, and the remaining men and women totally uneducated and stuck wearing shitty long john underwear all summer long, it’s not like Colorado City is an economic powerhouse.  Cut ‘em off from Uncle Sam’s tit, and they’ll bury themselves on their own.  In fact, you can go one better, and just shut down trade to and from the whole town.  Yeah, it will cause some hardship, but at the end of the day, people will get tired of being hungry and not having any soap and come crawling out on their own.  Once they get out, they might figure out that being a Fundamentalist Later Day Saint kind of blows.      

Ideally, that’s how it would roll, but we’re guessing push will come to shove, and we’ll get Waco II.  We’re already looking forward to the documentary.  

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