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Patriot Act Thwarts Terrorist Operation May 5, 2006

So yesterday, we got the urge to go out and make a huge batch of crystal meth, so we rolled up to the counter at our neighborhood CVS with 3 boxes of Claritin D, and one box of Mucinex D in hand.

Fortunately for us and our entire neighborhood, the well trained guerrilla clerk/warriors at the CVS counter were there to stop us, and nearly have us arrested. We fought as valiantly as we could, but at the end of the transaction, most of the drugs were wrested from our hands and we left with only a single box of Claritin.

OK, OK, we’re bullshitting you a little bit. We never had any intention of making crystal meth. We don’t really know how, and we’re thinking it involves lots of fancy laboratory equipment that would occupy the entire bathroom and our wife probably wouldn’t be very happy with that. Really, all we wanted was some fucking relief from the pollen infested outdoor air in our area. 3 Boxes of Claritin is a month’s worth if you take it every day like we do, which is not an unreasonable amount of meds to buy at one time, especially if you hate going into the CVS because everyone who works there smells approximately like our snowboarding boots. The Mucinex D was for creating huge explosives.

OK, more bullshit. The Mucinex was for the wife, who was suffering from a head cold. But somehow, the entire encounter at CVS left us feeling like we were making meth, or explosives, or something else really exciting and illegal. Except really, we just wanted to stop sneezing and hear a few less moans from the wife about a headache.

It turns out that while we were distracted with bluebird powder days in the spring, shady fucking bastards in Congress rolled up a bill called the Combat Meth Act into the Patriot Act, which ended up passing. The Combat Meth Act limits the amount of pseudonephrine a person can buy at one time, even if it is mixed in with another drug like Claritin or DouchebagsDayquil or Mucinex. An important thing to note here is that pseudonephrine is one of the safest OTC drugs ever, the issue is not about people taking it to get high who are hurting themselves. The thinking is that just like rice can be used to make alcohol, pseudonephrine can be used to make crystal meth, so by limiting the quantities that everyone can buy, we’ll solve the meth problem.

It’s the dumbest thing we’ve ever heard. It seems pretty obvious that given that it’s still widely available, the Combat Meth Act is going to be a minor inconvenience to the meth chemistry whizzes who could be doing sketchy things in a bathtub near you right now. Meanwhile, we’re faced with the new reality of a trip to the goddamned CVS once every 10 fucking days.

Either way, we’re curious about this “epidemic”. Sure, we might have seen some sketchy dateline special about Tweakers getting high for days and watching porn for 48 hours straight, and one time we even rode with a guy who for sure was high on crystal meth which was kind of sketchy; partially because he was reckless, but mostly because he kept saying stupid shit on the lift. At the end of the day though, the meth “epidemic” pales in comparison to the fact that without Claritin D, we can’t go outside in our ‘hood this time of year. That’s a fucking crisis, for sure.

We’re also kind of curious about how this relates to combating terrorism. Because we think letting terrorists get high on meth would be a good way to keep ‘em neutralized.

Anyway, if this whole thing doesn’t really both you, then obviously you’re not an allergy sufferer. So frame it this way — what if instead of Claritin, it was your Prilosec OTC, Exlax, Preparation H, or whatever drug it is that you need to get by?

The Combat Meth Act is a huge fucking mistake. It comes at a ridiculous cost to hundreds of millions of law abiding citizens and isn’t going to solve any problems. What’s next, do we ban corn because it can be used to make moonshine? Should we limit Internet traffic because drug dealers use it to communicate?

More DouchebagsIs anyone else fed up with the meddling, irrational, overbearing nanny-tyrant that our federal has government become? Drop us a line in the comments below.

Rangers gone Riding March 24, 2006

Brokeback MountainUs Rangers need to get some riding in while the riding is VPstill good. We’ll be taking a break to head to an undisclosed location for some spring riding. In order to keep our anonymity we will not publish our intended destination but if you are super sleuth and think you’ll be stomping it up at the same locale, look for the dudes steezing it up with the Magnum PI mustaches.

Magnum

Be back in about a week or when our money runs out!

Plant the Seeds of Freedom March 21, 2006

Marc EmeryMarc Emery is the fucking man.  Not because he smokes pot, but because he is willing to put his entire life on the line for a cause he believes is important.  That cause is 2 parts marijuana law reform and one part free speech.  The later is what we are most interested in addressing — but so we’re all on the same page, here’s our gonzo-style back story on the guy.  (Which you get in a more proper form here.)

For years, Marc has been living in Vancouver, advancing the cause of marijuana law reform.  He’s spent millions of dollars of his own money sponsoring marijuana reform candidates, funding pro-marijuana lobbies, and generally speaking out against the fascist and dogmatic war on drugs.  He earned these millions operating a bookstore and selling marijuana seeds on the Internet, but has turned most of what he earned back into combating the drug war — he lives in a small apartment with his fiance, and doesn’t own expensive cars, have sweet investments or roll with lots of bling. 

Basically, this guy is the Johnny Appleseed of Pot with kind of a Mahatma Gandhi twist — he’s in it because he selflessly loves Joe Potsmoker and is tired of seeing him persecuted and jailed for wanting to gain a deeper appreciation of the latest Radiohead album.   

Emery has hardly been running a shady illicit operation.  His tax return specifies his occupation as “Marijuana Seed Vendor.”  He calls his method “revolutionary retail” or “capitalist activism” and half the point of his operation is to make a public issue out of marijuana laws.  The thing is the Canadian government is OK with it.  They know his deal, and haven’t really prosecuted him much except for a few fines here and there.  Unfortunately, our friends to the north are kind of like a wiser, more rational, and less athletic sibling who is forced to share a household with an aggro, sexually repressed, moronic and sometimes psychotic brother. 

Psychotic like the Evil Fucking Fascist Bastards at the DEA, who have managed to stretch their long and slithery arms out of their short-sleeve white collared shirts all the way from DC into Canada.  Emery is now facing extradition to the US and 30 years or more in a federal pen, in a country where he isn’t even a citizen and hasn’t visited of years.  How the DEA managed to arrest this guy is beyond us, but our best guess is since we have the bigger guns, sometimes Canadians have to acquiesce to our infantile demands.

MarcEmery-suit.jpgAlright, enough back story.  What we really want to talk about is a really interesting point that Marc made recently in a chat online at washingtonpost.com.  He believes that one of the biggest obstacles to the pro-marijuana agenda is that a police state in the US has prevented proper dissent and free speech on the subject. 

Sound like a ludicrous point?  When the DEA arrested him and raided his apartment and business, they claimed in a press release that his arrest was “a significant blow to the marijuana legalization movement.”  In the past, the DEA has used the RAVE act to force the cancellation of NORML rallies, and the feds even shut down pro-marjiuana advertising on the DC metro by threatening to deny metro federal funding. 

Doctors, lawyers, teachers, civil servants and countless other professionals face all kinds of legal repercussions if they are caught speaking out against the drug war.  Shit, even we are a bit nervous to write about it.

That’s bullshit, no matter how you feel about the drug war.  Just imagine for a second how scary the US would be if it started arresting people for speaking out against the Iraq war or social security reform.  But that’s exactly what we are doing with the drug war.

And that’s why Marc Emery will spend the next 30 years in jail.

Another one bites the dust……and a camera March 2, 2006

Cat FightWe hate to be brining up old shit but we have been sleeping on the Flavor of Love. Last week, we were fortunate to witness a violent cat fight of an elimination ceremony. When Flav called out Pumpkin, she lost her shit and spit in the face of New York who in turn pushed her into a camera. Pumpkin got ruled. TV does not get any better than that.

Crazy New York

Alia has asked us if New York is heading out the door. That is a tough question but the answer is yes. The reason is simple…..from all the promos, it seems that New York will give up the goods to Flav. Game Match Set! Like all normal men, Flav wants what he has yet to have.
New York is also a whack job! Thanks for the question Alia.

Who do you think will get to freak the funk with Flavor when all is said and done?

Get up! Get up! Get Down! Flavor Flav is No Joke! February 16, 2006

In our quest to stay on top of our main man Flavor Flav’s drama, we have the weeklyThis guy has it going on! Flavor of Love update.

This weeks episode of Flavor of Love called ‘Intterogitted,’ was shocking with an unplanned double elimination. Apparently, the aptly named contestant Hottie, turned out to be both a liar and a gold digger.

She was even on another reality show called Blind Date where she played some poor joe. They hooked this B up to a lie detector where she lied about everything from her dimensions to her age. We at GR are going to miss her and her crazy ways.

Hottie

The real shocker was when the ex-stripper with emotional baggage couldn’t get over her ex-husband. The other bitches in the house found out and sold her out lickedy split. With this information in hand, Flav had no choice but to give her the boot.

The Stripper

She is going to be remembered most for her umm……pole dancing.

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