NTACBHLAK April 21, 2006
We have a request to show a video of the ‘No Talent Ass Clown Breaking His Leg At Killington.’
i heard you’ve got some video of some no talent ass clown breaking his leg at Killington…let’s see it
Well, we don’t think this guy is a NTACBHLAK, but a homie that rolls with steez and some mad scars. Please turn your audio on HIGH for the optimal viewing experience.
Follow the Leader April 17, 2006
We rangers believe in many things revolving around freedom of expression, including probing the fences of society’s organizations from time to time. Sometimes we look for holes (and exploit them) and others we just see how often we can get zapped by the electric repellant system before learning to stop. But then there are those fences that house things so disgustingly gaudy that we must assault them with sheer mockery. This is the case I, Ranger Ron, addressed in my recent probe of Scientology.
I just can’t stop laughing about Scientology and its ludicrous unproven pillars. So, I decided to attempt to become a member of the maw of Scientology - their founding chapter in DC. My first post to them follows, but alas they have not returned my request with an invitiation to join. Maybe I went a little too far overboard…
I am a local man, 38 years old and single. I have had quite a tumultuous life so far and must find the true path to my inner essence. Being from the Washington, DC area, I have been familiar with Mr. Hubbard’s journeys and the Church of Scientology for some time but have never investigated it…until now.
After my repeated failures with women in the 90’s (I unfortunately have a congenital skin disease, making me a bit on the “unattractive” side to women), I tried turning to men. But, alas, I was still unable to find that true passion that I seek. It wasn’t until I came across the study of Dianetics technology that I learned that I must love myself before anyone else can!
Reading the theories of Dianetics inevitably led me to be curious about the ways of Scientology. Many of your hollywood representatives advocate the soul cleansing benefits of scientology and I want to be rich and attractive, too, so I would like to join them. Obviously they have realized the true essence of themselves and have mastered Dianetics on the way, leading them to be the beautiful, affluent minions they are! I want to know the leader and become a devout follower.
My past constantly haunts me and I NEED a way to prevail. I MUST finally step out of the closet, as I’ve heard Mr. Cruise say!! I want to learn more of the story of Dark Lord Xenu’s plots to exterminate Teegeeack’s souls and how the Loyal Officers came to stand against him! Scientology is my destined path, I can feel it.
So, what are the steps that I must take to fully immerse myself in your following? I want to believe in my essence finally and I believe that the leader’s church is the way!
Another reason why network TV sucks April 6, 2006
NBC already sucks a big one in my book for their horrible Olympic coverage and sloppy conversion of the hit BBC show The Office. Well now they have even taken another new low with their lame ass show Dateline. What did they do? Well, since NASCAR did not give them an extension on their contract to broadcast the races, NBC decided to let their muckraking Dateline cronies have a shot at them to do an unflattering piece on the fans who go to the races.
NASCAR historically attracts lower class white males as the majority of its fan base due to the origins of the sport which traces its roots back to moonshine runners in the south. The governing body of has proactive programs in place to encourage and foster the training of new drivers from other ethnic backgrounds as well as females who would like to be a part of racing. NASCAR is moving away from the southern roots and moving into the mainstream in an effort to appeal to all Americans. They now even hold a sanctioned race in Mexico City once a year.
So what has the TAINTS at NBC and especially Dateline try to do? Well, they (being the stereotyping mongers they themselves would like to expose for ratings) dressed up fake Muslims and paraded them around the Martinsville Speedway in Virginia last weekend in an effort to bait fans into confrontations. Confrontations that they could catch on tape and show the world for ratings and guess what happened…….
Nothing…….the fans, left them alone.
You suck NBC, go cover some shark attacks or do an expose on why Bob Costas is a critical sports commentator who never played a sport at the college level.
Update: Apparently, Dateline had actors dressed up as Muslims stop traffic and begin praying towards Mecca on crowded pedestrian walkways in order to incite conflict. Of course…NOTHING happened….way to go NASCAR fans…
Top 10 Must Ride Runs April 5, 2006
As the season dwindles, the snow melts, it totally begins to dawn on us that pretty soon, we’re going to have wait a ludicrously long time until we are riding again. There’s only one thing to do in this situation: Start planning for next season.
For riders out there not lucky enough to be a guide at Silverton, a Yellowstone club member, or the ski school director at Heavenly, now is the time to start thinking about next year’s objectives. To help you out, here’s our own wholly unobjective list of our top 10 “must-do” runs on the snowboard circuit. We’ve already pillaged some of these ourselves, and some are on the list for the near future, but we aren’t telling which. Make your travel plans now, bitches.
10. The Minturn Mile — Vail, CO. Traverse out of the back country gate off of the rider’s left of the game creek bowl and head downhill from there. You may or may not get some powder turns at the top, but that’s hardly the point. The “mile” is nearly 5 miles worth of banked slalom, luge and boardercross turns (which in the spring, involves ollieing creeks, rocks, and mud at high speed.) It leads you to the mellow backwater hamlet of Minturn where you can chug the best margaritas ever as you wait for the bus to take you back to Vail. An added bonus is that you sure as shit won’t deal with the Prada ski gear crowd, making Minturn the best apres scene anywhere inside of Eagle, CO and the Vail Pass.
9. Tuckerman’s Ravine — Mt. Washington, NH. The 2.4 mile hike from Pinkham Notch covers about 1,800 vertical feet, but will take you one of the steepest and most legendary bowls this side of the continental divide. Tuckerman’s is a rite of passage for hardcore New England skiers and riders and something every snowboarder should experience. Getting to top of this beast requires patience and flexibility, as Mt. Washington has some of the most freakish weather on the planet. Hurricane force winds and sub freezing temps can pop up even in the summer months, and unless you want to die of exposure, you have to respect the conditions and the terrain. Still, the run down the Ravine is definitively the best and most unique spring riding on the east coast.
8. Pond Skimming Contest — Your Local Resort, USA. Is there anything better than the satisfaction of the perfect weight back motion that allows you to cruise across the pond unmolested? We wouldn’t know, but we’re certain it’s even more fun to get a friend drunk and then watch them tailslide into the drink. A good pond skimming contest turns even the prudest small ski resort into a fleshy festival of bacchanalian excess. If your nearest resort doesn’t have one in the spring, you should really think about moving.
7. King’s Crown or Payday Park — Park City, UT. Unless you ride here everyday, you probably aren’t going to get to take laps with Shaun White and MFM like Park City promises, but so what, PC’s parks are some of the best in the country. They are well maintained, creative, and offer some of the best jib and jump lines on the planet. These parks will get you Sal Masekala-style stoked faster than you can say “fractured clavicle”. Also, TW snow readers recently voted Park City as the number one park destination in the country. Actually, that doesn’t mean much unless you value the opinions swarms of 16 year olds who have only ridden 2 resorts in their life, but regardless, the PC jib lines are must ride terrain.
6. Fourth of July Bowl at the Peak 10 Summit — Breckenridge, CO. To get here legally, head out the gate from the top of the Merc chair on Peak 9 and cross the valley to hit the Peak 10 road. Alternatively, you can sneak around the ski patrol hut at the top of the Falcon chair and follow the ridge all the way to the top. Either way, you’ll hoof it up at least 2,000 feet of vert at super high altitude (over 13,600 ft at the summit), making the trek there a brutal, lung-busting ordeal. From the summit though, you’ll know it was worth it — the 4th of July Bowl is a consistently steep and long pitch that holds onto champagne powder days and days after a big dump.
The back country in the ten mile range is no place to fuck around, so if you aren’t holding the right avi gear and the skills to operate it, you can opt instead for the Lake Chutes on Peak 8, in bounds and easily accessible from the new Imperial super chair. Then again, you won’t be able to enjoy a beer on the Beaver Run sundeck and point knowingly to Peak 10 and the lines you and your buddy left earlier in the day.
5. Forbidden Trees — Niseko, Japan. Snowboard nerds can argue about weather the snow in Hokkaido is better than it is in Utah, but either way, the island has one of the worlds best and deepest maritime snow packs and is home to tree riding unlike anywhere else. Did you happen to see the Community Project? Yeah, it was a little over hyped but how incredibly solid did those trees runs look. Snow Monkeys, sake, and fresh Sapporo beer are all gravy on top of the world’s most enticing terrain for tree loving riders.
4. Corbet’s Couloir — Jackson Hole, WY. At the top of the now defunct aerial tram (or whatever will replace it in the coming seasons) is one of the steepest and most intense chutes in bounds at any ski resort on the planet. Sure, Jackson has incredible and super accessible back country terrain, but only an idiot or professional would huck themselves into something as intense as Corbet’s without knowing that a well trained ski patrol staff is ready for a rescue just a few yards uphill. The entry into Corbet’s is no freaking joke — the cornice at the top can be anywhere from 10 to 30 feet high, is surrounded by huge rock walls, and the landing is a 50 degree pitch that is often riddled with ruts and bumps. As the run out widens though, you’ll find yourself in some of the best and most untracked snow in bounds in Teton county. Somehow, the possibility of death and dismemberment prevents most skiers and riders from heading in there, and the nearest traverse doesn’t meet the couloir until almost at the top of the ten sleep bowl, hundreds of yards below. Unfortunately, bragging about Corbet’s won’t get you laid at the Mangy Moose unless you can prove you dropped it with a cab 5.
3. The Theodulgletscher — Zermatt, Switzerland. Situated just underneath of the Matterhorn is one of the most wide open and best cruisers on earth. Unless you roll off piste (and hopefully you know where the fissures are if you do), the terrain there isn’t going to be that challenging. But, it’s pretty hard to beat the experience of laying ruts at high speed while twisting along the base of the best looking mountain ever. To do this run right, head over to Cervina for a banging Italian meal and grappa around lunchtime, and then proceed back over the Theodulpass to get your carve on as you roll all the way back into Zermatt. Stopping for drinks at Stafelalp or Furi is optional, just make sure you keep your speed on the lower mountain, because skating in Switzerland sucks as much as it does everywhere else.
2. Moonlight Riding at Loveland Pass — Summit County, CO. Taking a run from the top of Loveland pass by moonlight requires a lucky intersection of all kinds of conditions. Besides a full moon, you need good snow, a clear evening, reasonable temps and low avalanche danger. If you happen to be in Summit County when this happens get up to the top of Loveland Pass for one of the most epic runs of your life. A short hike from the parking lot at the top of the pass will get you to the less tracked snow and the moonlight conditions will be unlike anything you’ve seen before. Getting back to the top requires only that you can hitchhike and aren’t afraid to climb the pass in the back of a rickety pickup driven by a drunk and injured snowboarder. Alternatively, you can wind down and wait to get picked up at the pagan celebration by one of the bonfires at the bottom of the run.
1. Any Line Heliriding in the AK. Here’s a challenge: Find any snowboarder who has ever done a heli tour in Alaska and DOESN’T claim that it’s the best riding they’ve ever done. Now go to your snowboard video collection and find a video that doesn’t contain footage of riders flying down giant untracked peaks in the Chugach range. Finally, imagine wide open riding on mega steep, totally untracked faces covered with consistent, light and waist deep powder that goes on and on for thousands of vertical feet that runs almost into the Pacific ocean. Enough said, right? Rolling with one of the heli operations from Cordova or Valdez will require that you first accumulate gigantic sums of money, but weather you do this by prostituting yourself, robbing a bank, or spending the summer in an office building, it will be worth it. Otherwise, why would all the heli operations places already be nearly booked for the prime weeks (late March, early April) in 2007? Get on top of this one soon before they start drilling for oil up in them thar hills.
Know about a run that belongs in this list? Want to heckle us for posting about your favorite spot on the ole intraweb? Drop us some comments or mail.