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Reporting_Douchebags@DarrenatorCentral.com July 16, 2006

This caught us by total surprise, but it seems that Gonzo Rangers has some enemies in cyberspace.  Someone created a fake yahoo address, reporting_abuse@yahoo.com, and has been spamming other sites that have linked us, demanding that they take their links down.  Boris, who operates the Bier Cafe, was kind enough to forward such an email that he received:

From: Reporting_Abuse@yahoo.com
To: contact@bbchetgerecht.nl
Date: Friday, July 7, 2006, 5:49:50 AM
Subject: Contact Form Results

Reporting Abuse wrote:
Dear Bier Cafe,

There is an ongoing criminal investigation involving, among other things, privacy violations and aggravated harassment.

A website called Gonzo Rangers is involved.

(more…)

Get Ready to Purify Our Rundwons, Bitches July 13, 2006

Making an informed and independent evaluation of the merit of someone’s views sometimes requires going straight to the source. And to the source is where we’re going to find out what’s behind one of the more mysterious, controversial, and litigious organizations in today’s world- Scientology. In response to our e-mailed queries, we got the following response from the Church of Scientology in Pennsylvania (Philadelphia@scientology.net):

Ranger,

Thanks for your email. Let me break down my answers for you:

Would you consider it a science, a philosophy, or a religion? And how do you connect all these?

SCIENTOLOGY IS ALL THREE OF THESE.

(Note the use of all caps- it’s as if L. Ron Hubbard’s voice resonates through cyberspace from the great beyond. Also note how seamlessly Scientology integrates all three schools of thought. Lesser minds struggle to reconcile the different views of religion, science and philosophy, but not Scientology. Why? Because it IS ALL THREE OF THESE.)

Does scientology allow for a sense of humor?

OF COURSE! :)

(While Scientology shuns psychiatry and prescription medicines, it embraces emoticons. If you know someone struggling with post-partum depression, send them a few smiley faces.)

(more…)

Something Monumental

Something Monumental

We were reading a snowboard magazine recently and came across Monument Snowboards that had contact information for the company someplace in the Nation’s capital. Since we have a Ranger in the area for a while, we’d like to know more about them.

Has any of our reader/riders heard of or ridden one of Monument’s boads before? Hit us up with some comments if got any scoop on them. If we hear anything, we’ll report it back.

This is No Hoax July 12, 2006

The research team at Gonzo Rangers has come through:  by using aggressive journalistic techniques and working tirelessly all night and day this week, we’ve finally tracked down Joanne.  Actually, by “working tirelessly” we mean that we sat on our asses and waited for email, and by “aggressive journalistic techniques”, we mean we followed up on an anonymous tip from someone who gave us her contact info.  (Thanks Mr. Tipster, you know who you are.) 

Anyway, onto the point.  This is no freaking joke.  A Gonzo Rangers operative got in touch with Joanne last night via email and spoke with her on the phone today regarding her Darrenator ordeal.  We’re 110% convinced that this is no hoax.  In spite of any similarities to the unconfirmed entry on Snopes, this is the real deal.  The only “viral marketing” going on here is that the Darrenator is like a loathsome virus, or a virtual marketplace riddled with sketchy stalker services. 

Obviously, we aren’t going to post any of Joanne’s info, she has been through quite enough, and in addition, she was very nice to us on the phone.  Certainly though, there’s more to the story than we’ve even posted. 

Big Daddy Darren DID contact her employer (not a big deal, she says, but it could have been), and additionally, placed multiple phone calls to the police to complain about her; we even got to hear a voicemail the 19th precinct of the NYPD left her. 

Joanne, by the way, is pronounced “Jo-Anne”, not “Joan” as the phonetically challenged Darrenator thinks, and she was more than happy to confirm that she did receive the original five voicemails the from Darrenator himself.  Fearing for her safety (shit, we don’t blame her) she started saving them, and after sharing them with a friend or two, they got out as an email chain, spread like wildfire, and eventually landed in our inbox and a place in immortality on the Internet.

Now that we know for certain that he is a real human, we’ve decided to remove his last name from the site.  We’ve been planning to do so as soon as he asked us, but surprisingly he still hasn’t done so.  Most reasonable men would have sailed on that ship already, but the Darrenator is enigmatic and not like many other men — he prefers to communicate via pseudonym and negotiate exclusively with threatening language.  Here’s a case in point:  a reader claims to have seen this email, sent to an acquiantance of Joanne’s:

From: Darren [mailto:XXXXXXXXX@yahoo.com]
Sent: Wednesday, June 21, 2006 2:00 PM
To: Donald B
Subject: Re:

i let it go.

if anything should appear on the web, you and Joanne can expect a lawsuit.

i have let it go. you should do the same.

Everyone is shaking in their boots, Big Daddy D. 

Post your comments, thoughts, or legal complaints from “I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Law Firm” below. 

Gen. Hayden Kicks Back July 9, 2006

Gonzo Rangers operatives recently spotted the shiny new Director of the CIA, Michael Hayden, hanging out with his family on the 4th of July.  Instead of a normal American Independence day activity, like a BBQ, baseball game, or monster truck rally, Gen. Hayden was conspicuously watching world cup soccer.  Not that we have anything against world cup soccer, we actually kind of like it.  But it seems fitting that the former NSA director, a man who is responsible for tapping our phone lines and dismantling the fourth amendment, isn’t really into celebrating our nation’s independence from tyranny.

We’re not certain who he was rooting for but we have a few ideas.  We think that he was either rooting for the German team, because he respects the Third Reich and Germany’s fascist history, or that he was there supporting the Italians, because he is a big fan of Benito Mussolini and the Italian fascist tradition.  Either way, our operatives, who spotted the General at Finn McCool’s in the Eastern Market neighborhood of DC, were understandably afraid of taking his pictures, even though in person, he sort of resembles a cuddly bespectacled piggy.

That’s exactly how an effective fascist operates.  A few years after convincing you that it’s OK to give up a few unessential freedoms and your right to privacy so you can feel a little bit safer; Wham!  No more football, monster truck rallies, snowboarding or listening to rock music.  Gay people, Mexicans and bloggers get thrown in prison and the we all just sit there thinking, “Damn, that little fucker seemed harmless enough.” 

Or, maybe we’re just being paranoid and the lil’ guy will catch Bin Laden for us.  We’re thinking that he’d better stop listening to our phone calls and get to work if that’s what he intends. 

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