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Get Ready to Purify Our Rundwons, Bitches July 13, 2006

Making an informed and independent evaluation of the merit of someone’s views sometimes requires going straight to the source. And to the source is where we’re going to find out what’s behind one of the more mysterious, controversial, and litigious organizations in today’s world- Scientology. In response to our e-mailed queries, we got the following response from the Church of Scientology in Pennsylvania (Philadelphia@scientology.net):

Ranger,

Thanks for your email. Let me break down my answers for you:

Would you consider it a science, a philosophy, or a religion? And how do you connect all these?

SCIENTOLOGY IS ALL THREE OF THESE.

(Note the use of all caps- it’s as if L. Ron Hubbard’s voice resonates through cyberspace from the great beyond. Also note how seamlessly Scientology integrates all three schools of thought. Lesser minds struggle to reconcile the different views of religion, science and philosophy, but not Scientology. Why? Because it IS ALL THREE OF THESE.)

Does scientology allow for a sense of humor?

OF COURSE! :)

(While Scientology shuns psychiatry and prescription medicines, it embraces emoticons. If you know someone struggling with post-partum depression, send them a few smiley faces.)

You kind of have to expect that people are going to take shots at you, especially if you’re a big organization- so why would scientology sue people who make jokes about them if they have a sense of humor?

YOU HAVE TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN A HEALTHY SENSE OF HUMOR AND AN EFFORT TO TEAR SOMETHING DOWN IN A SNIDE AND ILLINTENTIONED WAY. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE. JUST AS THEIR IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A JOKE AND SLANDER OR LIBEL.

(Is this snide enough for you, bitches?)

Does scientology make people healthier?

YES. BOTH DUE TO THE FACT THAT WE HAVE A PROGRAM CALLED THE PURIFICATION RUNDWON THAT CLEANS THE TOXINS OUT OF ONE’S BODY, AND ALSO BECAUSE WHEN A PERSON IS DOING WELL MENTALLY AND SPIRITUALLY THEY ALSO TEND TO BE IN GOOD HEALTH PHYSICALLY.

GR enthusiasts should look forward to our upcoming undercover expose on the PURIFICATION RUNDWON.  We’re looking forward to getting the toxins out of our body, and sharing the results with you.

Comments»

1. Tom Cruise - July 13, 2006

Some people, well, if they don’t like Scientology, well, then, fuck you. Really. Fuck you. Period

2. Suri Cruise - July 14, 2006

help me help me!

3. jeannie - July 14, 2006

Scientology really creeps me out. I don’t understand what the draw is for people? free stress tests maybe?

When I was a kid we would go to beach and we would always pass a huge colorful circus tent. I always wanted to go inside and finally we did. Inside we found clowns conducting a religious service that called the place “Circus Church.” I think its creepy the way religons try to lure people in.