Careers, Marriage, and Douchebags August 23, 2006
Forbes.com recently posted a completely asinine commentary by a douchebag named Michael Noer about how it’s a bad idea to marry a career woman.
Noer’s point was this: according to social scientists, career women (women working more than 35 hours a week and making more than $30,000) suck at marriage. In his own words, “recent studies have found professional women are more likely to get divorced, more likely to cheat, less likely to have children, and, if they do have kids, they are more likely to be unhappy about it.” Noer’s genius viewpoint in its entirety is here. (Update: Forbes, sensing Noer’s douchebagginess, has reformatted the original article to read as a point-counterpoint. But really, they printed the thing as a stand-alone two days ago.)
What a fucking idiot. Besides being a complete misogynist who is probably being divorced as we speak, he’s also a moron. His problem is basing his whole ludicrous theory on vast emptiness of “social science” which is just about the biggest oxymoron since “compassionate conservativism” or “homeopathic medicine.”
These days, being a social scientist is easy. All you need is to do is have a rudimentary understanding of statistics, an opinion, and about 50 or so people to interview. It’s important that you have no formal scientific training, but it does help if you can write reasonably well (see Malcolm Gladwell.) Then all you need to do is ask your 50 buddies a few open ended questions, draw whatever conclusion you wish, and watch the special interest groups swing from your nutsack.
You definitely don’t need to trouble yourself with any of the rigorousness that real scientists and mathematicians have to deal with, like regression analysis, making objective observations or using a statistically significant sample size. Don’t worry about having to peer review your “scientific” study; all you need to do is write it up, and if people like what it says, you’re a genius.
This is how we get brilliant broad sweeping sociological certitudes such as: bare skin on TV makes teenagers have sex; five people in Brooklyn single-handedly stopped the 1980s crime wave in NYC; and republicans have better sex than democrats. It’s all total bullshit, but for some reason, people love to believe it. This is exactly what Michael Noer is counting on.
Strangely, after rattling off about five or six questionable studies about how women in the workplace ruin marriages, Noer cautions us about assuming that association implies causation. Noer must really be an idiot, because he’s refuted his entire thesis with this statement; every “study” he cites proves nothing other than simple correlation. (More likely, he’s counting on his readers being idiots in not figuring this essential point out.)
Take, for example, the John H. Johnson study he cites that implies that for women, increasing hours in the workplace are correlated with an increased risk of divorce. It seems to us that it’s plenty likely that the causal relationship flows in the opposite direction. Could it be that women who are in shitty marriages, perhaps because they married douchebags like Michael Noer, might be driven to spend more time at the office? There are probably a million other logical explanations for the data, but does it really matter? The study in question probably only had 75 data points, is only applicable to a 2 block community in Dayton, Ohio, and likely has a margin of error of +/- 84.2%.
Anyway, we’ve come up with a study on our own, with shocking conclusions. We’ve just interviewed everyone sitting in the room with us, and after normalizing the data, here’s what we’ve concluded (scientifically, of course):
- 100% of all Americans agree that Michael Noer is a douchebag.
- 100% of Americans believe it’s “likely” or “very likely” that his wife left him for a co-worker with a bigger dong.
- 100% of Americans believe that it’s still better to marry a career woman than a prostitute or Russian mail order bride.
Got a crazy social study of your own to share? Post it below, or you can always share your career woman marriage horror stories with us here.
- Posted in : Misc
- Author : Chodeo