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A Gapers Guide for Dummies March 20, 2006

Flock of GapersThe reason why most of us have insurance is to protect against unexpectedmisfortune. Unfortunately, there is no insurance to protect us from interacting with the dreaded gaper. Here are a couple instances that we can review that will mitigate your exposure and reduce chaffing thanks to our pal the gaper.

Yappy Gaper on the Lift - Just like catching a cold, you can try to avoid them all you want but sometimes your luck runs our and you get stuck next to a Yappy Gaper on a the lift. The gaper misses all obvious queues such as loud music blearing from headphones that screams simply leave me alone and motions to you that they have something profound to say. Once you have fallen prey for this tactic your options are simple: Jump off the lift mid-air and flee, turn your music back on and ignore them (which may be foiled when they tap your arm again), tell them to shut the hell up, or partake in their lame verbal dribble. Rangers are squirrelly and resourceful riders which make all of those options feasible excluding the latter. So in case you are stuck in midst of lame conversation, reduce you interaction by asking the gaper a question which will get them talking about themselves for a painfully long time. Something like, “wow, you sure do have quite a collection of lift tickets, where did you get them and why don’t you remove them.”

Aggressive Frat Gaper in Lift Line - Not all fratties are lame, just the ones who sport frat gear and let you and the world know it. In a recent interaction with one of these gapers, Aggressive Frat Gaper became a little too cagey with a fellow rider. The rider was rocking out to The Bravery when Aggressive Frat Gaper began trash talking because 1) He thought the rider could not hear him, and 2) the rider deftly cut in front of him due the lifty being awol. In that situation you can not let anyone of your crew get bested by a gaper, even if your boy is in the wrong. The solution that works best is to turn to Aggressive Frat Gaper and ask him, “hey are you a ?” he’ll perk up and say “ why yes, I am a from (some lame college or university), are you a ?” Now is when you gain mad steez and say with a straight face say “No.” and turn around as if the conversation never happened. He’ll look stupid and you successfully defended your boy who is still blazing The Bravery and has no clue what transpired.

Single Gaper

These are just two techniques for dealing with gapers but there are many more out there….. you got one you would like to share with your fellow riders, post it in the comments section.

Comments»

1. Michael G - February 20, 2007

Tight Gate Gaper Stopper

These Gapers are worse than any due to the adverse effect the ski patrol has on trying to make them look stupid. The idea of the tight gate (meaning very narrow entrance into the Lift Area) is supposed to make them look even more gapish as they wildly fly into the gate and wipe out the poles and net. However, this only gives them the opportunity to stop right in the center of the Gate and talk to their other lame ass buddy. I choose to grab one of their poles as I recklessly slide over the backs of their 80’s Skinnys and throw it in the the closests garbage can. One must know that this is the last time they can come to this lift for a while as the Lifty will most likely chase you down. Otherwise, just run over them and knock them down. When you get up, just say “sorry, this is my first day, an experienced rider of your apparent skills should understand that!”