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Let the Gameth Begineth February 9, 2006

So, NBC is going to hook us up with actual snowboarders to do the commentary for the Olympics. It could have been a total disaster, like Chris Collingsworth or something. Instead, we’ll be getting play by play by Pat Parnell, analysis by Todd Richards, and reporting by Tina Dixon. You might remember Todd and Tina from such films as Winter X 10, Winter X 9, and Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory. Todd is the dude who constantly talks about how old he is at 36 years, and Tina was the one asking obvious questions at the bottom of each run.

Steady there, broPat Parnell is the dude to the right here. We are hoping he gets at least as wasted during the men’s PGS. We will be, anyway.

Here’s some more Olympic scoop for that ass:

  • Between bottles of Chianti, Tina, Todd, and Pat have actually been working in Torino — and there’s some good details from NBC’s site from the 3 of them. Some key highlights: Kelly Clark is working on a 1080, Hannah Teter and Andy Finch are both still pretty banged up, and Gretchen Bleiler has been taking it easy as well.
  • The snowboard team’s uniforms totally blow. Brooke Geery at Yo Beat has the scoop. Apologies to our homeboys and homegirls at Burton — we still love you, especially your pro-form program.
  • But what about the weather in Torino, you ask? It’s kind of sucking right now, unless you are a down with 60 degrees and cloudy, in which case, it’s fuckin’ awesome, dude.
  • Oh… and please, children, no riots about our visual depiction of the Prophet Jake, OK?

    Got comments, or inside info? Post ‘em or mail them in, bitches.

    Coming straight from God’s press release to our monitors

    In an effort to be fair to other cultures and religions, we have decided that we will one up our European friends. Instead of circulating a cartoon of our inspirational and spiritual leader, we will even post a picture of him on the intraweb. this photo was swiped from Burton We know that this may lead to rioters in the streets of Burlington tonight throwing empty bottles of Longtrail at all vehicles with Jersey tags, but it must be done.

    Speaking of the Profit Jake, one of his disciples sent us the following to compliment our earlier post:

    The 2006 Olympic Winter Games are right around the corner, and Burton is proud to support 18 snowboarders from nine different countries as they follow their dreams of a medal in Italy. Below are U.S. broadcast details so you can check out Olympic coverage on TV.

    Tune into NBC on Friday (2/10) for Jake and Shaun White’s live appearances on The Today Show with Matt Lauer. Shaun will appear on the 8:00 a.m. hour EST and Jake on the 9:00 a.m. hour EST.

    NBC Nightly News - Shaun White with Brian Williams, Friday (2/10) at 6:30 p.m. EST.
    NBC News - Jeff Boliba on Sunday (2/12) at 6:30 p.m. EST featuring a Burton LTR piece.
    CNBC’s “On the Money” - Jake will appear on Monday (2/13) from 7:00-8:00 p.m. EST.

    Opening ceremonies begin tomorrow night with the Parade of Nations and the lighting of the Olympic cauldron going down at 8:00 p.m. EST. See below for a complete listing of all snowboard competitions.

    Sunday February 12th:
    Men’s Halfpipe Finals 7:00 p.m. - 11:00 p.m. EST
    Men’s Halfpipe Award Ceremony 11:30 p.m. -12:30 a.m. EST

    Monday February 13th:
    Women’s Halfpipe Finals 8:00 p.m.-11:30 p.m. EST
    Women’s Halfpipe Award Ceremony 12:00 a.m.-1:30 a.m. EST

    Thursday February 16th:
    Men’s Boardercross Finals 8:00 p.m.-12:00 a.m. EST
    Men’s Boardercross Award Ceremony 12:30 a.m. - 2:00 a.m. EST

    Friday February 17th:
    Women’s Boardercross Finals 8:00 p.m. -11:30 p.m. EST
    Women’s Boardercross Award Ceremony 12:00 a.m. - 1:30 a.m. EST

    Wednesday February 22nd:
    Men’s PGS 8:00 p.m. - 11:30 p.m. EST
    Men’s PGS Award Ceremony 12:00 a.m. - 1:30 a.m. EST

    Thursday February 23rd:
    Women’s PGS 8:00 p.m. -11:30 p.m.
    Women’s PGS Award Ceremony 12:30 a.m. - 2:00 a.m. EST

    Be sure to check your local TV listings to confirm air times in other time zones.

    Olympics Drop on Sunday February 8, 2006

    Alright… enough about cartoon violence. Olympic snowboarding drops this weekend and we are really stoked. More accurately, partly stoked, and partly nervous.

    Why are we nervous? Not because we are worrying about whether or not Shaun White will get defeated or if Seth Wescott will get the hole shot. We are nervous because NBC could seriously, seriously fuck up the coverage, and that would suck if it happens. We want to see Olympic snowboarding, and have little interest in waiting around through the men’s curling finals or sob stories about how some Finnish curler who has gout but competes hard anyway, just to see brief highlights of Shaun White’s medal winning run.

    Actually, we can deal with the sob stories and men’s curling, as long as they show the entire contest. We’ll see what happens. Either way, here’s an idea of when you should be watching to get the snowboard goods*:

    Sunday, 2/12 — Men’s Halfpipe. White, Kass, Finch, and Aguirre are hungry for another sweep. Watch out for Finn Antti Autti and possibly the 1260. This contest will be off the hook. Coverage begins at 7 PM EST on NBC, and will also include Men’s downhill (Drunken Bode Miller, yay!), ski jumping, and luge.

    Monday, 2/13 — Women’s Halfpipe. Another really strong American team with the possibility of a sweep. Teter vs. Bleiler is always exciting, but Aussie Torah Bright will try to creep on in there. Coverage starts at 8 PM EST, but you’ll have to sit through Figure Skating and Speed Skating. TiVo sounds like a really good plan — that way you can skip through Kelly Clark’s singing, too.

    Boarder X:  No 1080s Here.Thursday, 2/16 — Men’s Boarder X. A strong men’s field includes Seth Wescott and Nate Holland, who will be battling with Frenchie Xavier Delarue. You can catch it live on USA at 6 AM, or melodrama-ridden on NBC at 8 PM. The primetime coverage will also include healthy doses of speed and figure skating, which is fabulous for those of you that like your snowboarding fla-ming.

    Friday, 2/17 — Women’s Boarder X. Unstoppable hottie Lindsay Jacobellis will be whooping euro ass on USA, live at 4 AM, and later that night during NBC’s primetime coverage at 8 PM. TiVo is a necessity for the live coverage — even if you are still up then, you want to be able to fast forward through the women’s curling

    Wednesday, 2/22 and Thursday 2/23 — Men’s and Women’s PGS. Are PGS riders really snowboarders, given that they wear spandex and hard boots? We intend to find out.

    Notice how the organizers have arranged the snowboard events in descending order of sweetness. This should make it easier to gauge how much you’ll need to drink each night to enjoy the coverage. Stay tuned to the GR — we’ll have much more witty insight on the games this week and next.

    * Note: Dates & Times may vary. Hit up the NBC site for specific times and coverage in your area, bitches.

    X Games Wrap January 31, 2006

    We totally know that there is still one night left of Winter X. However, we don’t know very much about skiing or snowcross, and unlike Matt Drudge, we like to stick to covering topics we understand. Anyway, here’s our take on the games:

    Chad Otterstrom, just one day before being smote by Jesus

  • Bow down — after Jesus team member Luke Wynen came one spot shy of qualifying for the men’s superpipe final, Jesus himself stepped in and smote Chad Otterstrom, allowing Wynen to slide into the final at the last minute. We are kind of pissed at Jesus about this because we really like Ott, and Wynen’s 1080 is weak and squirrelly looking. Just kidding. We know Jesus reads the Intraweb and we don’t want him to get angry at us. Smite away, homeboy!!
  • Travis Rice, y’all. Enough said.
  • We’ll admit that Kelly Clark looked pretty badass, at least when she was on the move. But why for the love of God with the damned out of key warbling every time she drops in! Simon Cowell: “not to be rude, but that has got to be the worst performance we’ve ever heard in this competition.”
  • Torah Bright is on the up and up with sparkly goggles ta boot. We can’t wait to see how she rolls with Bleiler and Teter in the mix at the Olympics.
  • Speaking of Torino… rumors abounded that Shaun White and Antti Autti had 1260s in the works, but they didn’t materialize this weekend. We are giddy with anticipation, three and a half times over.
  • Mason Aguirre: Stay away from my sister, dude.Senior Blanco, who won double gold this year and four peated in the slopestyle, definitely gets our respect. Even if he is the New York Yankees of snowboarding, backside 10s ain’t nuttin ta fuck wit. Props to Mason Aguirre and Scotty Lago, too.
  • Last year, back to back 1080s were the new hotness. This year, it was all about sitting out of the X games to nurse minor injuries and prepare for the Olympics. We still love Andy Finch, though.
  • Janna Meyen — yup. But no love from ESPN… you had to be in Aspen if you wanted to see anything but clips of the women’s slopestyle. Good thing Tara Dakides didn’t make the final or we would have had some choice words for the Extra Special Party Network.
  • While we’re at it with ESPN — what’s up with the crappy advertising all weekend? We’re too old to join the Navy, be above the influence, or drink Mountain Dew MDX unless someone puts vodka in it. And that goddamn Francesco commercial makes us want to STOP using edge gel. Someday soon, the ad wizards are going to realize that the snowboard demographic is getting older than age 15. Maybe then we’ll finally get the commercial we’ve been waiting to see… picture this:
  • The Coors Light party train comes rolling into Buttermilk… Gretchen Bleiler hucks a huge crippler in the pipe while Travis Rice dishes a 1080 double rodeo over it. Crazy Train is blasting on the stereo and it’s suddenly the biggest party in X-games history… beer flows like spring water, Carrie White and Molly Aguirre are rocking bikinis, and jewish rider Mike Goldschmidt is high fiving Luke Wynen… Jeff Brushi, Terje, and Craig Kelly are all there to represent, and it is dumping everywhere except for directly on the pipe and slopestyle course, with 32 and sunny in the forecast.

    Hell yeah, that would be a tight advert. Anyway, the Final Verdict on Winter X 10? Gladiators, we salute you. See you in Torino.

    Rice, Rice, Baby January 30, 2006

    Yeah, yeah, yeah… we promised our editor lost of posts to hype up the new blog name, but now that we’re over at gonzorangers.com, we do whatever we want. And what we want to do now is sweat Travis Rice.

    If you missed the X-games snowboard slopestyle this weekend, you missed a bit of snowboard history. Shaun White, who is barreling through this year’s competition circuit en route to Torino, was nearly unstoppable on Saturday. His opening run in the finals was totally flawless and completely unreasonable — at one point he linked a huge cab 1080 with a switch backside 900. The bar was so high that everyone else in the contest was playing for second place.

    Everyone except for one guy.

    Rice, who qualified first and therefore earned the final run of the day, could have played it safe, stomped the astounding run that he nailed in the qualifier (which he later referred to as “pillow talk”) and surely sailed on to a solid pay day and a silver or bronze medal.

    Rice at the X-Games:  More air aware than GodInstead, he went for it. Coming in super hot to the final booter in the course, Rice hucked himself through a monster double rodeo 900, but just missed the connection on the ground, skidding out on his heelside edge and onto his butt. Rice’s double rodeo 9, which was basically a slightly dumbed down version of the double inverted 1080 that he nailed for a video part in last year’s Absinthe Film Pop, is the most exciting and original thing we’ve seen in the sport in years.

    So, remember this during all the hype of the Torino games: When Shaun White is grinding his way to fame and Olympic gold, Travis Rice will be in a remote corner of Wyoming, or a helicopter in Alaska, outrunning avalanches, flipping and spinning over giant back country booters, chuckin a tweed, popping a noodle, and in general being the best rider on the planet.

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