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Let the Gameth Begineth February 9, 2006

So, NBC is going to hook us up with actual snowboarders to do the commentary for the Olympics. It could have been a total disaster, like Chris Collingsworth or something. Instead, we’ll be getting play by play by Pat Parnell, analysis by Todd Richards, and reporting by Tina Dixon. You might remember Todd and Tina from such films as Winter X 10, Winter X 9, and Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory. Todd is the dude who constantly talks about how old he is at 36 years, and Tina was the one asking obvious questions at the bottom of each run.

Steady there, broPat Parnell is the dude to the right here. We are hoping he gets at least as wasted during the men’s PGS. We will be, anyway.

Here’s some more Olympic scoop for that ass:

  • Between bottles of Chianti, Tina, Todd, and Pat have actually been working in Torino — and there’s some good details from NBC’s site from the 3 of them. Some key highlights: Kelly Clark is working on a 1080, Hannah Teter and Andy Finch are both still pretty banged up, and Gretchen Bleiler has been taking it easy as well.
  • The snowboard team’s uniforms totally blow. Brooke Geery at Yo Beat has the scoop. Apologies to our homeboys and homegirls at Burton — we still love you, especially your pro-form program.
  • But what about the weather in Torino, you ask? It’s kind of sucking right now, unless you are a down with 60 degrees and cloudy, in which case, it’s fuckin’ awesome, dude.
  • Oh… and please, children, no riots about our visual depiction of the Prophet Jake, OK?

    Got comments, or inside info? Post ‘em or mail them in, bitches.

    Olympics Drop on Sunday February 8, 2006

    Alright… enough about cartoon violence. Olympic snowboarding drops this weekend and we are really stoked. More accurately, partly stoked, and partly nervous.

    Why are we nervous? Not because we are worrying about whether or not Shaun White will get defeated or if Seth Wescott will get the hole shot. We are nervous because NBC could seriously, seriously fuck up the coverage, and that would suck if it happens. We want to see Olympic snowboarding, and have little interest in waiting around through the men’s curling finals or sob stories about how some Finnish curler who has gout but competes hard anyway, just to see brief highlights of Shaun White’s medal winning run.

    Actually, we can deal with the sob stories and men’s curling, as long as they show the entire contest. We’ll see what happens. Either way, here’s an idea of when you should be watching to get the snowboard goods*:

    Sunday, 2/12 — Men’s Halfpipe. White, Kass, Finch, and Aguirre are hungry for another sweep. Watch out for Finn Antti Autti and possibly the 1260. This contest will be off the hook. Coverage begins at 7 PM EST on NBC, and will also include Men’s downhill (Drunken Bode Miller, yay!), ski jumping, and luge.

    Monday, 2/13 — Women’s Halfpipe. Another really strong American team with the possibility of a sweep. Teter vs. Bleiler is always exciting, but Aussie Torah Bright will try to creep on in there. Coverage starts at 8 PM EST, but you’ll have to sit through Figure Skating and Speed Skating. TiVo sounds like a really good plan — that way you can skip through Kelly Clark’s singing, too.

    Boarder X:  No 1080s Here.Thursday, 2/16 — Men’s Boarder X. A strong men’s field includes Seth Wescott and Nate Holland, who will be battling with Frenchie Xavier Delarue. You can catch it live on USA at 6 AM, or melodrama-ridden on NBC at 8 PM. The primetime coverage will also include healthy doses of speed and figure skating, which is fabulous for those of you that like your snowboarding fla-ming.

    Friday, 2/17 — Women’s Boarder X. Unstoppable hottie Lindsay Jacobellis will be whooping euro ass on USA, live at 4 AM, and later that night during NBC’s primetime coverage at 8 PM. TiVo is a necessity for the live coverage — even if you are still up then, you want to be able to fast forward through the women’s curling

    Wednesday, 2/22 and Thursday 2/23 — Men’s and Women’s PGS. Are PGS riders really snowboarders, given that they wear spandex and hard boots? We intend to find out.

    Notice how the organizers have arranged the snowboard events in descending order of sweetness. This should make it easier to gauge how much you’ll need to drink each night to enjoy the coverage. Stay tuned to the GR — we’ll have much more witty insight on the games this week and next.

    * Note: Dates & Times may vary. Hit up the NBC site for specific times and coverage in your area, bitches.

    X Games Wrap January 31, 2006

    We totally know that there is still one night left of Winter X. However, we don’t know very much about skiing or snowcross, and unlike Matt Drudge, we like to stick to covering topics we understand. Anyway, here’s our take on the games:

    Chad Otterstrom, just one day before being smote by Jesus

  • Bow down — after Jesus team member Luke Wynen came one spot shy of qualifying for the men’s superpipe final, Jesus himself stepped in and smote Chad Otterstrom, allowing Wynen to slide into the final at the last minute. We are kind of pissed at Jesus about this because we really like Ott, and Wynen’s 1080 is weak and squirrelly looking. Just kidding. We know Jesus reads the Intraweb and we don’t want him to get angry at us. Smite away, homeboy!!
  • Travis Rice, y’all. Enough said.
  • We’ll admit that Kelly Clark looked pretty badass, at least when she was on the move. But why for the love of God with the damned out of key warbling every time she drops in! Simon Cowell: “not to be rude, but that has got to be the worst performance we’ve ever heard in this competition.”
  • Torah Bright is on the up and up with sparkly goggles ta boot. We can’t wait to see how she rolls with Bleiler and Teter in the mix at the Olympics.
  • Speaking of Torino… rumors abounded that Shaun White and Antti Autti had 1260s in the works, but they didn’t materialize this weekend. We are giddy with anticipation, three and a half times over.
  • Mason Aguirre: Stay away from my sister, dude.Senior Blanco, who won double gold this year and four peated in the slopestyle, definitely gets our respect. Even if he is the New York Yankees of snowboarding, backside 10s ain’t nuttin ta fuck wit. Props to Mason Aguirre and Scotty Lago, too.
  • Last year, back to back 1080s were the new hotness. This year, it was all about sitting out of the X games to nurse minor injuries and prepare for the Olympics. We still love Andy Finch, though.
  • Janna Meyen — yup. But no love from ESPN… you had to be in Aspen if you wanted to see anything but clips of the women’s slopestyle. Good thing Tara Dakides didn’t make the final or we would have had some choice words for the Extra Special Party Network.
  • While we’re at it with ESPN — what’s up with the crappy advertising all weekend? We’re too old to join the Navy, be above the influence, or drink Mountain Dew MDX unless someone puts vodka in it. And that goddamn Francesco commercial makes us want to STOP using edge gel. Someday soon, the ad wizards are going to realize that the snowboard demographic is getting older than age 15. Maybe then we’ll finally get the commercial we’ve been waiting to see… picture this:
  • The Coors Light party train comes rolling into Buttermilk… Gretchen Bleiler hucks a huge crippler in the pipe while Travis Rice dishes a 1080 double rodeo over it. Crazy Train is blasting on the stereo and it’s suddenly the biggest party in X-games history… beer flows like spring water, Carrie White and Molly Aguirre are rocking bikinis, and jewish rider Mike Goldschmidt is high fiving Luke Wynen… Jeff Brushi, Terje, and Craig Kelly are all there to represent, and it is dumping everywhere except for directly on the pipe and slopestyle course, with 32 and sunny in the forecast.

    Hell yeah, that would be a tight advert. Anyway, the Final Verdict on Winter X 10? Gladiators, we salute you. See you in Torino.

    Even Worse than the beav January 26, 2006

    Check it — at the beav, we do a lot of research on the ole intraweb to make sure you get the goods. Unfortunately, there are inherent hazards in this. Consider, for example, this 2006 Olympic blog that we keep running into while traversing the Blogosphere in search of a scoop.

    It’s a terrific find if you are a 55 year old reading at a 3rd grade level and want info on the Olympics. Otherwise, it blows. Check out a nugget from this entry:

    I can see how snowboarding is a challenging sport. But I still don’t know if I buy it as an Olympics [sic] sport. If inline skaters have to become ice speed skaters to participate in the Olympics, maybe snowboarders should become skiers. This is probably a sure sign that I’m getting old.

    No, it’s a sure sign that you are fucking lame.

    Whatever. Since we’re nice guys at the beav, we’re going to hook Ms. Genius Blogger up with a free blog entry that she can use to preview the Olympic women’s snowboard X.

    Lindsey Jacobellis is a snowboarder. She is very fast. She has curly hair. She likes cats. Do you like cats? Lindsey is in a TV commercial for Visa. Do you like TV? Go, Lindsey, go!

    Be careful, it’s sketchy out there in cyberspace, joes.

    The MSM and the Snowboarding Vacuum January 23, 2006

    So, the USA got its snowboard team straightened out this weekend. This is a big deal, because except for a few outliers like Finnish Mob rock star Anti Autti, American athletes are pretty much dominating the whole circuit right now.

    Curiously, no one in the American media seems to care. If you made an attempt to follow the Grand Prix events, the five part official qualifying series for the US Olympic snowboarding team, you were totally shit-out-of-luck. Your choices were to read the drivel over at twsnow.com , which feels like it was written by a crack-addled Jayson Blair, or to deal with the MSM coverage which is even worse.

    For example, check out this article from today’s Post. Not only is it obvious that the Post lacks the budget to send staff writer Liz Clarke all the way up to far away Mountain Creek, NJ, but they can’t even get their facts straight. Calling Gretchen Bleiler “peerless” in the sport is sort of like claiming that the Seattle Seahawks are the undisputed favorites to win Superbowl XL. I’m sure that Hannah Teter, the uppity and irreverent 16 year old snowboard legend and 2004 X games champion, doesn’t feel that Bleiler is peerless. Bleiler may have more wins under her belt but Teter has knocked off Bleiler in a number of recent contests, including the first event at this year’s Grand Prix series.

    Given that halfpipe comp was a resounding highlight of the 2002 Park City Olympics, you’d think that it would be getting at least a little bit more love. I guess not, it seems that the media is much more concerned with reporting on whether or not Bode Miller likes to ski drunk. Fear not, though, here at gonzorangers.com we will be tirelessly dedicated to bringing you the latest on the sport as the season progresses. Stay tuned.

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