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Rangers gone Riding March 24, 2006

Brokeback MountainUs Rangers need to get some riding in while the riding is VPstill good. We’ll be taking a break to head to an undisclosed location for some spring riding. In order to keep our anonymity we will not publish our intended destination but if you are super sleuth and think you’ll be stomping it up at the same locale, look for the dudes steezing it up with the Magnum PI mustaches.


Be back in about a week or when our money runs out!

Plant the Seeds of Freedom March 21, 2006

Marc EmeryMarc Emery is the fucking man.  Not because he smokes pot, but because he is willing to put his entire life on the line for a cause he believes is important.  That cause is 2 parts marijuana law reform and one part free speech.  The later is what we are most interested in addressing — but so we’re all on the same page, here’s our gonzo-style back story on the guy.  (Which you get in a more proper form here.)

For years, Marc has been living in Vancouver, advancing the cause of marijuana law reform.  He’s spent millions of dollars of his own money sponsoring marijuana reform candidates, funding pro-marijuana lobbies, and generally speaking out against the fascist and dogmatic war on drugs.  He earned these millions operating a bookstore and selling marijuana seeds on the Internet, but has turned most of what he earned back into combating the drug war — he lives in a small apartment with his fiance, and doesn’t own expensive cars, have sweet investments or roll with lots of bling. 

Basically, this guy is the Johnny Appleseed of Pot with kind of a Mahatma Gandhi twist — he’s in it because he selflessly loves Joe Potsmoker and is tired of seeing him persecuted and jailed for wanting to gain a deeper appreciation of the latest Radiohead album.   

Emery has hardly been running a shady illicit operation.  His tax return specifies his occupation as “Marijuana Seed Vendor.”  He calls his method “revolutionary retail” or “capitalist activism” and half the point of his operation is to make a public issue out of marijuana laws.  The thing is the Canadian government is OK with it.  They know his deal, and haven’t really prosecuted him much except for a few fines here and there.  Unfortunately, our friends to the north are kind of like a wiser, more rational, and less athletic sibling who is forced to share a household with an aggro, sexually repressed, moronic and sometimes psychotic brother. 

Psychotic like the Evil Fucking Fascist Bastards at the DEA, who have managed to stretch their long and slithery arms out of their short-sleeve white collared shirts all the way from DC into Canada.  Emery is now facing extradition to the US and 30 years or more in a federal pen, in a country where he isn’t even a citizen and hasn’t visited of years.  How the DEA managed to arrest this guy is beyond us, but our best guess is since we have the bigger guns, sometimes Canadians have to acquiesce to our infantile demands.

MarcEmery-suit.jpgAlright, enough back story.  What we really want to talk about is a really interesting point that Marc made recently in a chat online at washingtonpost.com.  He believes that one of the biggest obstacles to the pro-marijuana agenda is that a police state in the US has prevented proper dissent and free speech on the subject. 

Sound like a ludicrous point?  When the DEA arrested him and raided his apartment and business, they claimed in a press release that his arrest was “a significant blow to the marijuana legalization movement.”  In the past, the DEA has used the RAVE act to force the cancellation of NORML rallies, and the feds even shut down pro-marjiuana advertising on the DC metro by threatening to deny metro federal funding. 

Doctors, lawyers, teachers, civil servants and countless other professionals face all kinds of legal repercussions if they are caught speaking out against the drug war.  Shit, even we are a bit nervous to write about it.

That’s bullshit, no matter how you feel about the drug war.  Just imagine for a second how scary the US would be if it started arresting people for speaking out against the Iraq war or social security reform.  But that’s exactly what we are doing with the drug war.

And that’s why Marc Emery will spend the next 30 years in jail.

A Gapers Guide for Dummies March 20, 2006

Flock of GapersThe reason why most of us have insurance is to protect against unexpectedmisfortune. Unfortunately, there is no insurance to protect us from interacting with the dreaded gaper. Here are a couple instances that we can review that will mitigate your exposure and reduce chaffing thanks to our pal the gaper.

Yappy Gaper on the Lift - Just like catching a cold, you can try to avoid them all you want but sometimes your luck runs our and you get stuck next to a Yappy Gaper on a the lift. The gaper misses all obvious queues such as loud music blearing from headphones that screams simply leave me alone and motions to you that they have something profound to say. Once you have fallen prey for this tactic your options are simple: Jump off the lift mid-air and flee, turn your music back on and ignore them (which may be foiled when they tap your arm again), tell them to shut the hell up, or partake in their lame verbal dribble. Rangers are squirrelly and resourceful riders which make all of those options feasible excluding the latter. So in case you are stuck in midst of lame conversation, reduce you interaction by asking the gaper a question which will get them talking about themselves for a painfully long time. Something like, “wow, you sure do have quite a collection of lift tickets, where did you get them and why don’t you remove them.”

Aggressive Frat Gaper in Lift Line - Not all fratties are lame, just the ones who sport frat gear and let you and the world know it. In a recent interaction with one of these gapers, Aggressive Frat Gaper became a little too cagey with a fellow rider. The rider was rocking out to The Bravery when Aggressive Frat Gaper began trash talking because 1) He thought the rider could not hear him, and 2) the rider deftly cut in front of him due the lifty being awol. In that situation you can not let anyone of your crew get bested by a gaper, even if your boy is in the wrong. The solution that works best is to turn to Aggressive Frat Gaper and ask him, “hey are you a ?” he’ll perk up and say “ why yes, I am a from (some lame college or university), are you a ?” Now is when you gain mad steez and say with a straight face say “No.” and turn around as if the conversation never happened. He’ll look stupid and you successfully defended your boy who is still blazing The Bravery and has no clue what transpired.

Single Gaper

These are just two techniques for dealing with gapers but there are many more out there….. you got one you would like to share with your fellow riders, post it in the comments section.

Is anything better than a good snowboarding injury? March 17, 2006

What a dumb question. Lots of shit is better than a snowboarding injury, like stomping your first boardslide, hucking yourself off a cliff on a powder day, or that bottomless feeling in your nutsack that you get when you bomb off a roller and realize that there was a slight miscalculation about how much air you planned to get.

Injury is part of the deal, but we’ve learned to enjoy it, just like a circus performer learns to enjoy the smell of elephant shit.

i am jack's broken armRecently, the Gonzo Rangers team headed off to an undisclosed back woods resort for a long weekend of spring riding and getting all busted up. On the first day, we rolled as a giant snowboard calvary pack, but on the second, our ranks took a casualty, when one of our knights, the Rocket, reached terminal velocity on his deck and them promptly smashed into a 50 year old woman.

i am jack's repaired armThankfully, they can reassemble your broken limbs pretty easily these days, in this case all it took was 13 screws, 2 plates, some saws, a couple of pints of blood, and some needle nose pliers.

Injury is the random ugly dude at your party that doesn’t really know anyone else but who showed up because he works with your girlfriend and overheard her talking about the party at work.  You pretend he’s not hanging out but sooner or later you have to acknowledge him, especially if he gets drunk and starts singing show tunes. Still, you try not to let him ruin an otherwise good time.

GashyWe are certain about one thing. Injury is singularly the only good reason for not being out riding right now. Any other excuse; work, school, hangover, whatever; is just weak sauce when you consider that the guy with this gash is sitting in his old navy boxers, nursing his wounds, and silently knowing that it’s March and he’s not out spring riding in the sunshine.Navy:  Accelerate your life

Comments, or more gory snowboard pics to send us? Mail them in, and we’ll pour out a front 3 for you, homie.

Open to be podcastic March 15, 2006

Rangers love freedom and free stuff. This year the Open will be available as a podcast so you don’t have to wait a month for the network and thier TAINTS to air it on TV.
US Open
For the first time ever, podcasts of the upcoming Burton US Open Snowboarding Championships will be available to download at the US Open website. New podcasts will be posted throughout the quarterpipe, halfpipe and slopestyle finals taking place March 17-19 at Stratton Mountain, Vermont.To get Burton US Open podcasts, visit www.usopen-snowboarding.com, click on the podcast link and watch a 30-second spot from the event. To see more, simply subscribe to future updates, which will automatically load onto your computer when you’re online and a new podcast is available.So if you can’t make it to Vermont this weekend to watch top riders like Shaun White, Danny Kass, Hannah Teter, Mason Aguirre, Gretchen Bleiler and Kelly Clark throw down, then the next best place to get the latest footage is the US Open website.For more information on the Burton US Open Snowboarding Championships, go to www.opensnowboarding.com or call Burton Rider Services at 800-881-3138.
Final results for the US Open will be posted immediately following the contests at www.usopen-snowboarding.com.
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