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Where have all the rangers gone? May 23, 2006

We have to admit that we haven’t been knocking out posts as fast as we’d like. Why have we been so slack you ask? Simple………we like to gamble, booze it up, and we’re lazy.

We have been to Vegas, caught the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and been in depression with the slow recession of Winter. Does this mean that our future posts will become sporadic? We hope not but the true reason why we have slacked is that we busy as Opera’s chef at work. We promise to get on the ball as soon as the man stops putting us down.

Feds Plan Waco Sequel May 12, 2006

Butt PirateWarren Jeffs is a testament to the power of religion.  By power of religion, we mean the power that can be wielded by one man who is able to convince many others that they know quite a bit about it.  Is there an easier way to deprive other people of their money, children, and free will and have them walk around happy about it?  We’re thinking no.  It kind of makes us want to start our own religion, because hot damn if it doesn’t seem like an easy way to hook up with a private mansion in Vail, another one in Jackson, and a private jet to travel between them.

Regardless, the dude needs to be stopped.  Trading someone a new house for their 13 year old daughter is pretty much not cool because this isn’t feudal Europe and we’ve already gotten past that shit.  What’s worse is, he’s got this entire town of 4,000 people living right near the Rocky mountains and none of them are allowed to ride a snowboard.  That’s total bullshit. 

Apparently the FBI thinks so too, because they recently put the dude on their top 10 most wanted list.  What prompted them to do so now is sort of a puzzle to us.  (Was it HBO’s new show Big Love?)  Jeffs has been doing the same type of shit for years, just like his father Roulon did, as did so many of the other Mormon splinter group “prophets” before them.  Inexplicably, the religion thing makes it super easy to fly under the radar — hole up in some remote mountain town for a few days with a couple of other dudes stockpiling Claritin D and molesting children and the Feds will come down on you quicker than you can say “Joe Smith”.  But do the same thing in the name of religion and it’s like a magic force field of federal invulnerability surrounds you. 

Probably one reason for the hesitation is that the Feds know that in all of their glorious white-shirted incompetence, they are totally going to botch the operation of shutting this guy down.  No one in DC, Utah, or Arizona wants to be responsible for another Waco or Ruby Ridge, but we’d be willing to wager next year’s Rossi Premier Works that that’s how it’s going down.  Shit, we’re talking about hordes of men and women who are willing to sell their daughters into slavery; they won’t bat an eye at being asked to attack a bunch of wussy invading ATF agents.    

Too bad we’re not in charge, because the solution to this whole problem is rather obvious.  In Under the Banner of Heaven (which incidentally is Travis Rice’s favorite book, according the Internet), Jon Krakauer lays out the masterful way that Jeffs and the FDLS church have been able to game federal and state governments into handing over gobs and gobs of cash in the form of welfare, grants and pork barrel spending. 

Dunzo CityWith rampant incest, half of the male population in exile, and the remaining men and women totally uneducated and stuck wearing shitty long john underwear all summer long, it’s not like Colorado City is an economic powerhouse.  Cut ‘em off from Uncle Sam’s tit, and they’ll bury themselves on their own.  In fact, you can go one better, and just shut down trade to and from the whole town.  Yeah, it will cause some hardship, but at the end of the day, people will get tired of being hungry and not having any soap and come crawling out on their own.  Once they get out, they might figure out that being a Fundamentalist Later Day Saint kind of blows.      

Ideally, that’s how it would roll, but we’re guessing push will come to shove, and we’ll get Waco II.  We’re already looking forward to the documentary.  

Patriot Act Thwarts Terrorist Operation May 5, 2006

So yesterday, we got the urge to go out and make a huge batch of crystal meth, so we rolled up to the counter at our neighborhood CVS with 3 boxes of Claritin D, and one box of Mucinex D in hand.

Fortunately for us and our entire neighborhood, the well trained guerrilla clerk/warriors at the CVS counter were there to stop us, and nearly have us arrested. We fought as valiantly as we could, but at the end of the transaction, most of the drugs were wrested from our hands and we left with only a single box of Claritin.

OK, OK, we’re bullshitting you a little bit. We never had any intention of making crystal meth. We don’t really know how, and we’re thinking it involves lots of fancy laboratory equipment that would occupy the entire bathroom and our wife probably wouldn’t be very happy with that. Really, all we wanted was some fucking relief from the pollen infested outdoor air in our area. 3 Boxes of Claritin is a month’s worth if you take it every day like we do, which is not an unreasonable amount of meds to buy at one time, especially if you hate going into the CVS because everyone who works there smells approximately like our snowboarding boots. The Mucinex D was for creating huge explosives.

OK, more bullshit. The Mucinex was for the wife, who was suffering from a head cold. But somehow, the entire encounter at CVS left us feeling like we were making meth, or explosives, or something else really exciting and illegal. Except really, we just wanted to stop sneezing and hear a few less moans from the wife about a headache.

It turns out that while we were distracted with bluebird powder days in the spring, shady fucking bastards in Congress rolled up a bill called the Combat Meth Act into the Patriot Act, which ended up passing. The Combat Meth Act limits the amount of pseudonephrine a person can buy at one time, even if it is mixed in with another drug like Claritin or DouchebagsDayquil or Mucinex. An important thing to note here is that pseudonephrine is one of the safest OTC drugs ever, the issue is not about people taking it to get high who are hurting themselves. The thinking is that just like rice can be used to make alcohol, pseudonephrine can be used to make crystal meth, so by limiting the quantities that everyone can buy, we’ll solve the meth problem.

It’s the dumbest thing we’ve ever heard. It seems pretty obvious that given that it’s still widely available, the Combat Meth Act is going to be a minor inconvenience to the meth chemistry whizzes who could be doing sketchy things in a bathtub near you right now. Meanwhile, we’re faced with the new reality of a trip to the goddamned CVS once every 10 fucking days.

Either way, we’re curious about this “epidemic”. Sure, we might have seen some sketchy dateline special about Tweakers getting high for days and watching porn for 48 hours straight, and one time we even rode with a guy who for sure was high on crystal meth which was kind of sketchy; partially because he was reckless, but mostly because he kept saying stupid shit on the lift. At the end of the day though, the meth “epidemic” pales in comparison to the fact that without Claritin D, we can’t go outside in our ‘hood this time of year. That’s a fucking crisis, for sure.

We’re also kind of curious about how this relates to combating terrorism. Because we think letting terrorists get high on meth would be a good way to keep ‘em neutralized.

Anyway, if this whole thing doesn’t really both you, then obviously you’re not an allergy sufferer. So frame it this way — what if instead of Claritin, it was your Prilosec OTC, Exlax, Preparation H, or whatever drug it is that you need to get by?

The Combat Meth Act is a huge fucking mistake. It comes at a ridiculous cost to hundreds of millions of law abiding citizens and isn’t going to solve any problems. What’s next, do we ban corn because it can be used to make moonshine? Should we limit Internet traffic because drug dealers use it to communicate?

More DouchebagsIs anyone else fed up with the meddling, irrational, overbearing nanny-tyrant that our federal has government become? Drop us a line in the comments below.