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Patriot Act Thwarts Terrorist Operation May 5, 2006

So yesterday, we got the urge to go out and make a huge batch of crystal meth, so we rolled up to the counter at our neighborhood CVS with 3 boxes of Claritin D, and one box of Mucinex D in hand.

Fortunately for us and our entire neighborhood, the well trained guerrilla clerk/warriors at the CVS counter were there to stop us, and nearly have us arrested. We fought as valiantly as we could, but at the end of the transaction, most of the drugs were wrested from our hands and we left with only a single box of Claritin.

OK, OK, we’re bullshitting you a little bit. We never had any intention of making crystal meth. We don’t really know how, and we’re thinking it involves lots of fancy laboratory equipment that would occupy the entire bathroom and our wife probably wouldn’t be very happy with that. Really, all we wanted was some fucking relief from the pollen infested outdoor air in our area. 3 Boxes of Claritin is a month’s worth if you take it every day like we do, which is not an unreasonable amount of meds to buy at one time, especially if you hate going into the CVS because everyone who works there smells approximately like our snowboarding boots. The Mucinex D was for creating huge explosives.

OK, more bullshit. The Mucinex was for the wife, who was suffering from a head cold. But somehow, the entire encounter at CVS left us feeling like we were making meth, or explosives, or something else really exciting and illegal. Except really, we just wanted to stop sneezing and hear a few less moans from the wife about a headache.

It turns out that while we were distracted with bluebird powder days in the spring, shady fucking bastards in Congress rolled up a bill called the Combat Meth Act into the Patriot Act, which ended up passing. The Combat Meth Act limits the amount of pseudonephrine a person can buy at one time, even if it is mixed in with another drug like Claritin or DouchebagsDayquil or Mucinex. An important thing to note here is that pseudonephrine is one of the safest OTC drugs ever, the issue is not about people taking it to get high who are hurting themselves. The thinking is that just like rice can be used to make alcohol, pseudonephrine can be used to make crystal meth, so by limiting the quantities that everyone can buy, we’ll solve the meth problem.

It’s the dumbest thing we’ve ever heard. It seems pretty obvious that given that it’s still widely available, the Combat Meth Act is going to be a minor inconvenience to the meth chemistry whizzes who could be doing sketchy things in a bathtub near you right now. Meanwhile, we’re faced with the new reality of a trip to the goddamned CVS once every 10 fucking days.

Either way, we’re curious about this “epidemic”. Sure, we might have seen some sketchy dateline special about Tweakers getting high for days and watching porn for 48 hours straight, and one time we even rode with a guy who for sure was high on crystal meth which was kind of sketchy; partially because he was reckless, but mostly because he kept saying stupid shit on the lift. At the end of the day though, the meth “epidemic” pales in comparison to the fact that without Claritin D, we can’t go outside in our ‘hood this time of year. That’s a fucking crisis, for sure.

We’re also kind of curious about how this relates to combating terrorism. Because we think letting terrorists get high on meth would be a good way to keep ‘em neutralized.

Anyway, if this whole thing doesn’t really both you, then obviously you’re not an allergy sufferer. So frame it this way — what if instead of Claritin, it was your Prilosec OTC, Exlax, Preparation H, or whatever drug it is that you need to get by?

The Combat Meth Act is a huge fucking mistake. It comes at a ridiculous cost to hundreds of millions of law abiding citizens and isn’t going to solve any problems. What’s next, do we ban corn because it can be used to make moonshine? Should we limit Internet traffic because drug dealers use it to communicate?

More DouchebagsIs anyone else fed up with the meddling, irrational, overbearing nanny-tyrant that our federal has government become? Drop us a line in the comments below.


1. that one guy - July 4, 2006

this shit makes me feel so much safer.

2. Tiffanie - November 18, 2006

I think the law is bullshit. my 2 year old son is sick, i tried to buy him children’s sudafed at CVS and they told me i wasen’t able to buy it. my husband went in there they told him the same, so my mom had to go and get it at another store. and hell i haven’t bought anything in 2 months, the last thing i bought was mucinex d for my husband.

3. rnadtpfrju - January 24, 2007