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Feds Plan Waco Sequel May 12, 2006

Butt PirateWarren Jeffs is a testament to the power of religion.  By power of religion, we mean the power that can be wielded by one man who is able to convince many others that they know quite a bit about it.  Is there an easier way to deprive other people of their money, children, and free will and have them walk around happy about it?  We’re thinking no.  It kind of makes us want to start our own religion, because hot damn if it doesn’t seem like an easy way to hook up with a private mansion in Vail, another one in Jackson, and a private jet to travel between them.

Regardless, the dude needs to be stopped.  Trading someone a new house for their 13 year old daughter is pretty much not cool because this isn’t feudal Europe and we’ve already gotten past that shit.  What’s worse is, he’s got this entire town of 4,000 people living right near the Rocky mountains and none of them are allowed to ride a snowboard.  That’s total bullshit. 

Apparently the FBI thinks so too, because they recently put the dude on their top 10 most wanted list.  What prompted them to do so now is sort of a puzzle to us.  (Was it HBO’s new show Big Love?)  Jeffs has been doing the same type of shit for years, just like his father Roulon did, as did so many of the other Mormon splinter group “prophets” before them.  Inexplicably, the religion thing makes it super easy to fly under the radar — hole up in some remote mountain town for a few days with a couple of other dudes stockpiling Claritin D and molesting children and the Feds will come down on you quicker than you can say “Joe Smith”.  But do the same thing in the name of religion and it’s like a magic force field of federal invulnerability surrounds you. 

Probably one reason for the hesitation is that the Feds know that in all of their glorious white-shirted incompetence, they are totally going to botch the operation of shutting this guy down.  No one in DC, Utah, or Arizona wants to be responsible for another Waco or Ruby Ridge, but we’d be willing to wager next year’s Rossi Premier Works that that’s how it’s going down.  Shit, we’re talking about hordes of men and women who are willing to sell their daughters into slavery; they won’t bat an eye at being asked to attack a bunch of wussy invading ATF agents.    

Too bad we’re not in charge, because the solution to this whole problem is rather obvious.  In Under the Banner of Heaven (which incidentally is Travis Rice’s favorite book, according the Internet), Jon Krakauer lays out the masterful way that Jeffs and the FDLS church have been able to game federal and state governments into handing over gobs and gobs of cash in the form of welfare, grants and pork barrel spending. 

Dunzo CityWith rampant incest, half of the male population in exile, and the remaining men and women totally uneducated and stuck wearing shitty long john underwear all summer long, it’s not like Colorado City is an economic powerhouse.  Cut ‘em off from Uncle Sam’s tit, and they’ll bury themselves on their own.  In fact, you can go one better, and just shut down trade to and from the whole town.  Yeah, it will cause some hardship, but at the end of the day, people will get tired of being hungry and not having any soap and come crawling out on their own.  Once they get out, they might figure out that being a Fundamentalist Later Day Saint kind of blows.      

Ideally, that’s how it would roll, but we’re guessing push will come to shove, and we’ll get Waco II.  We’re already looking forward to the documentary.  


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