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Gen. Hayden Kicks Back July 9, 2006

Gonzo Rangers operatives recently spotted the shiny new Director of the CIA, Michael Hayden, hanging out with his family on the 4th of July.  Instead of a normal American Independence day activity, like a BBQ, baseball game, or monster truck rally, Gen. Hayden was conspicuously watching world cup soccer.  Not that we have anything against world cup soccer, we actually kind of like it.  But it seems fitting that the former NSA director, a man who is responsible for tapping our phone lines and dismantling the fourth amendment, isn’t really into celebrating our nation’s independence from tyranny.

We’re not certain who he was rooting for but we have a few ideas.  We think that he was either rooting for the German team, because he respects the Third Reich and Germany’s fascist history, or that he was there supporting the Italians, because he is a big fan of Benito Mussolini and the Italian fascist tradition.  Either way, our operatives, who spotted the General at Finn McCool’s in the Eastern Market neighborhood of DC, were understandably afraid of taking his pictures, even though in person, he sort of resembles a cuddly bespectacled piggy.

That’s exactly how an effective fascist operates.  A few years after convincing you that it’s OK to give up a few unessential freedoms and your right to privacy so you can feel a little bit safer; Wham!  No more football, monster truck rallies, snowboarding or listening to rock music.  Gay people, Mexicans and bloggers get thrown in prison and the we all just sit there thinking, “Damn, that little fucker seemed harmless enough.” 

Or, maybe we’re just being paranoid and the lil’ guy will catch Bin Laden for us.  We’re thinking that he’d better stop listening to our phone calls and get to work if that’s what he intends. 


1. Ralph Wiggum - July 11, 2006

Gonzo Rangers are to Gen. Michael Hayden as Zinedine Zizan is to sprawled out Italian dude. And nobody can stop a headbutt like that, even with all the phones tapped in the world.