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A Plea from Our Nation’s Snowboard Instructors February 15, 2006

We just received this interesting letter from an anonymous source:

Fellow Americans,

Many of you have spent the week with your butts glued to the couch, eating cheetos, watching the Olympics, and marveling at how exciting the sport of snowboarding is.  Undoubtedly, this will inspire many of you to break out your dusty, decades old outdoor gear, and head up to your nearest mountain in the next few weekends and give it a try yourselves.

Consider this:  85% of all people who come out and try snowboarding their first time will never come back.  There is a very good reason for this. 

If you are overweight, your fat ass will get stuck on the ground, and you will be unable to get up without the help of your instructor, who will repeatedly be forced to risk life and limb to lift your incredible mass up onto the snowboard, only to have it come pouring back onto the ground because your bloated, awkward midsection makes it very difficult to balance properly. 

If you are out of shape, you will be unable to comply with your instructor’s request to hike a few yards uphill, or skate over to the lift.  If the resort you choose is at a higher altitude, you will have a heart attack.  At a minimum, you will whine frequently and chafe everyone around you, including your instructor, who will smile diminutively at you, in a weak attempt to acknowledge your feelings without encouraging your disgusting slothfulness.

If are old or feeble, you will break one of your wrists, even if you are in good shape.  One would think that this would all be pretty obvious, but for an inexplicable reason, there are thousands of lazy, overweight individuals out there who think that what Shaun White did on Monday night seemed easy enough that they too could give it a try.  If you fit this description, it is my expert opinion that you should find another constructive use for your time, such as bowling, curling, or writing fan mail to the frito lay corporation.     

While I’m at it, if you are dumb, smell bad, prone to crying, or you are recently divorced, you may very well get the hang of snowboarding, but you will thoroughly annoy your instructor so you should probably think about staying home too. 

Sure, there are great minds out there who have worked hard to develop effective teaching techniques for people of all abilities and ages.  And although the well trained professionals who teach snowboarding are well versed in these techniques, you are probably too cheap to afford a private lesson, and therefore, your corpulent ass will end up in a group of 10 or 15 people of varying abilities, whereby, your instructor will immediately recognize that you are a lost cause. 

If you are wise, lazy, and fat, you’ll recognize this early on in the lesson, feign an injury, and head into the ski lodge for a slice of pie.  If you are stubborn, lazy, and fat and decide to stick it out for the entire lesson, you will ruin the experience for everyone else in your group.  Your instructor, recognizing that your 250 lb frame is nothing but a flabby liability, will be forced to hold everyone back, and the 16 year old three season athlete in your group who really does have the aptitude and desire to learn won’t even get to ride the ski lift on their first day, which will ruin the experience for them, too.   

Strangely, the vast majority of you who watched the Superbowl were not inspired to start training to be a middle linebacker.  But, somehow, after watching Lindsay Jacobellis cruise to a gold medal in Turin, you might get the urge to give it a go on your own.

Don’t.  You can’t.  You will be miserable, cold, and waste perfectly good money that you could have spent on Omaha Steaks.  Trust me on this.
Thank you,
Your Friendly Neighborhood Snowboard Instructor

P. S.  Tipping is appropriate and always appreciated.  Thanks!

Comments? Post ‘em or mail them in, bitches. 


1. Anonymous - February 15, 2006

My only point of ‘marvel’ was that it’s been called a sport and even worse that snowboarding is considered an Olympic sport.

What a bunch of crap! The Olympics are for athletes…