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the beav’s Search for Meaning January 26, 2006

Our audience has posed some interesting existentialist questions to us this week. Some people want to know why there’s no link to email us. Some want to know if we are going to write about anything else besides snowboarding. Others wonder why we call it the beav, or indeed, what is the real meaning and purpose of the site? One reader asks, aren’t all snowboarders just useless stoners? Finally, people want to know why we are so mean to Kelly Clark.

The answers are: We’re working on it so in the meantime leave us comments bitches, yes, it’s a secret, give us gifts, for sure, and because gold medal or not, she is one fucking ugly woman and we hate how she sometimes sings along out loud to her iPod before she drops in.

For reals though, this isn’t just a blog about snowboarding, there’s just so much to write about in the snowboard world right now with the X-games and Olympics and all. To boot, the MSM and bloggers who are covering it for the most part really suck so the beav is stepping up. Once things settle down in that department, we’ll move on to doing what we intended to do from the start: spewing radical invective so controversial and extreme that no one affiliated with the beav will be legally employable by the US government.

OK, OK, we kid again. Really, the answer is gifts, bitches, gifts.

Even Worse than the beav

Check it — at the beav, we do a lot of research on the ole intraweb to make sure you get the goods. Unfortunately, there are inherent hazards in this. Consider, for example, this 2006 Olympic blog that we keep running into while traversing the Blogosphere in search of a scoop.

It’s a terrific find if you are a 55 year old reading at a 3rd grade level and want info on the Olympics. Otherwise, it blows. Check out a nugget from this entry:

I can see how snowboarding is a challenging sport. But I still don’t know if I buy it as an Olympics [sic] sport. If inline skaters have to become ice speed skaters to participate in the Olympics, maybe snowboarders should become skiers. This is probably a sure sign that I’m getting old.

No, it’s a sure sign that you are fucking lame.

Whatever. Since we’re nice guys at the beav, we’re going to hook Ms. Genius Blogger up with a free blog entry that she can use to preview the Olympic women’s snowboard X.

Lindsey Jacobellis is a snowboarder. She is very fast. She has curly hair. She likes cats. Do you like cats? Lindsey is in a TV commercial for Visa. Do you like TV? Go, Lindsey, go!

Be careful, it’s sketchy out there in cyberspace, joes.

Winter X Drinking Games January 25, 2006

Here at the beav we love to drink beer almost as much as we love snowboarding, so in honor of both, we’ve come up with a nifty drinking game for this year’s winter X.

Here’s how it works. Grab a case of beer and some friends (optional), sit yourself in front of the TV on Saturday afternoon, and then follow the instructions below. If things go well, Seth Meyers will actually seem funny by the time SNL comes on at 11:30.

Take one drink:

  • Anytime someone says “steez.”
  • Whenever Sal Masekela gets really fired up.
  • If anyone lands a frontside 1080.
  • If Shaun White is interviewed while wearing a t-shirt sleeve or bandana over his face.
  • Take two drinks:

  • If anything is described as “burly.”
  • If Kelly Clark’s busted mug is put on TV.
  • If Hannah Teter says anything that makes absolutely no sense.
  • Whenever Todd Richards talks about how old he is. (”Dude! I’m 35!!!”)
  • Finish your drink:

  • Everytime they show a replay of Brian Deegan’s Moto X crash from 2004.
  • If Travis Rice (or anyone else) lands anything double inverted.
  • When Keir Dillon or Kelly Clark discuss “riding for Jesus.”
  • Finally, if any Olympic athlete gets hurt, chug two beers. Three beers if it’s Andy Finch.

    Update: We got our riders mixed up. Luke Wynen rides for Jesus, not Keir Dillon. More info on this from Yo Beat.

    Superbowl XL… Phfffffft January 24, 2006

    Seriously, we love Superbowl ExtraLarge like a fat kid love cake and all, but with the Skins out of the playoffs, the two weeks of hype is a little much.

    This week is all about the Winter X-games. Things get rolling in Aspen, CO on Saturday afternoon. Make sure to set your DVR or park your butt on a couch or barstool for these events:

    Snowboarder X Men’s & Women’s Final: Saturday 2 PM - 4PM (ABC)
    Snowboard Slopestyle Men’s Final: Saturday 5 PM - 6 PM (ABC)
    Snowboard Superpipe Women’s Finals: Saturday 9 PM - 11 PM (ESPN)
    Snowboard Superpie Men’s Finals: Monday 9PM — 11 PM (ESPN)

    An added Bonus for watching the Women’s pipe final is that it will be shown in conjunction with the Men’s Moto X best trick, which is awesome to watch if you like seeing people get horribly mangled and disfigured.

    There’s some skiing events on at some point too.

    At the beav, we’re really stoked that ESPN will be again hooking up the live coverage. We’re NOT as excited about the fact that on Monday and Tuesday nights, they’ll be continuing the tradition of capping off coverage with live broadcasts from the 11 PM Sportscenter. It just doesn’t feel right to hear Linda Cohn drop science about Steve Fisher’s cab 1080 technique. Plus, when Shaun White is about to put the hammer down on his final run, the last thing we want to hear is whether or not Golden State lost to Sacremento. It probably pisses off Kings fans too.

    Update: According to TV guide and my DVR, Snowboarder X and the slopestyle contest will all be shown from 4-6 PM on Saturday on ABC, not 2-4 and 5-6 as originally scheduled. Plan accordingly, bitches.

    The MSM and the Snowboarding Vacuum January 23, 2006

    So, the USA got its snowboard team straightened out this weekend. This is a big deal, because except for a few outliers like Finnish Mob rock star Anti Autti, American athletes are pretty much dominating the whole circuit right now.

    Curiously, no one in the American media seems to care. If you made an attempt to follow the Grand Prix events, the five part official qualifying series for the US Olympic snowboarding team, you were totally shit-out-of-luck. Your choices were to read the drivel over at twsnow.com , which feels like it was written by a crack-addled Jayson Blair, or to deal with the MSM coverage which is even worse.

    For example, check out this article from today’s Post. Not only is it obvious that the Post lacks the budget to send staff writer Liz Clarke all the way up to far away Mountain Creek, NJ, but they can’t even get their facts straight. Calling Gretchen Bleiler “peerless” in the sport is sort of like claiming that the Seattle Seahawks are the undisputed favorites to win Superbowl XL. I’m sure that Hannah Teter, the uppity and irreverent 16 year old snowboard legend and 2004 X games champion, doesn’t feel that Bleiler is peerless. Bleiler may have more wins under her belt but Teter has knocked off Bleiler in a number of recent contests, including the first event at this year’s Grand Prix series.

    Given that halfpipe comp was a resounding highlight of the 2002 Park City Olympics, you’d think that it would be getting at least a little bit more love. I guess not, it seems that the media is much more concerned with reporting on whether or not Bode Miller likes to ski drunk. Fear not, though, here at gonzorangers.com we will be tirelessly dedicated to bringing you the latest on the sport as the season progresses. Stay tuned.

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